The Hundred Dollar Bill

A crisp new one hundred dollar bill - how much is it worth?

Same bill, crumpled up - how much is it worth?

Crumpled bill, lying the the dirt, stepped on, repeatedly

- how much is it worth?

One Hundred dollars.

No matter the condition it is in - a hundred dollar bill is worth $100.

So too it is with us, no matter the condition we find ourselves in
- we are still worth our full face-value to God.

We all want to see ourselves as crisp, new bills.

Truth is...those bills are crisp and new because they haven't been used yet.

Man in the mirror

So it's been a bit since my last post, it appears that I really like to post when things are going well, but totally go underground when it's not. That seems to be true in several facets of my relations with people around me. I was out of town for a few days on vacation. It seems like "vacation" is good excuse to take time off from recovery. Once I returned home I did not make the effort to reintegrate myself into the Program. As a direct result, as slip was inevitable.

But as I finally started to go back to meetings and begin to re-apply the principles of the program, I do see this one area that has been a consistent 'soft-spot' in my program. I can go to meetings, I can fill out forms, I can make tough phone calls about my past, but the one thing I have consistently avoided doing on a daily basis is honestly looking at (and dealing with) the character defects and broken beliefs inside of me.

I refuse to look in the mirror and be honest about what I see there.

But there is no other way, the problem is not "out there" in the world (or other people). The problem is in me, the diseased attitudes, beliefs, fantasies....it's all in me. And all of my interactions with the people around me are perceived thru that distortion, hence the irrational fears, or the misread relational cue's that seem to plague my life.

The key? Time spent with God in honest introspection, healthy interaction with others, and desire to become transparent (even vulnerable) to others in this process.

# days sober = 4 days

Came across this today, really convicting as to how I react to the world around me based off of my own insecurities. When of all peoples in the world, as a Christian I should be the most secure, not because of anything in me but because of who has claimed me.

.....from the book The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee.
"Our true value is based not on our behavior or the approval of others but on what God's word says is true. Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are. It is usually consistent with what we think to be true about ourselves (Prov 23:7). If we base our worth solidly on the truths of God's word, then our behavior will often reflect His love, grace, and power. But if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that comes from such instability."

I have been learning the truth of those words in recent months. When I trust who God says I am I begin to stock the ingredients listed on the fruits of the Spirit menu board. God declares all of the following list to be true about me…a broken down TV director. And all of these things became true from the MOMENT I trusted Christ.

I am forgiven. Col 2:13–14
I am a child of God. John 1:2; Rom 8:15
I received Christ's KIND of life, eternal: John 5:24
I was delivered from Satan's domain and into the Kingdomof Christ
Col 1:13
Christ came to dwell with me. Col 1:27; Rev 3:20
I am a new Creation: 2 Cor 5:17
I am declared righteous by God: 2 Cor 5:21
I entered a love relationship w/ God: 1 John 4:9-11
I am accepted by God: Col 1:19-22
from Confessions of Bad Christian blog

I need to spend more time than just making a blog entry on these verses. I have not been committing any time to bible study, maybe some recovery, and a quick prayer. But actual, honest study and prayer is really missing in my life.

Acceptance

The goal of our relationships is not that anything gets fixed, but that nothing is hidden.” TrueFaced

I was again faced with my shame last night. I was faced with communicating (a friend request) with a person from my past whom I feel that I have let down. I failed, I failed to be what I said I was, I failed to live up to what they thought I was. What was and what it looked like were not the same thing in my life. I hid my struggles, I tried to hide my failures. (I even failed at that!)

So when I saw the message from him, my heart quailled, my stomach clenched, and I began to rehash all of the failures that brought me to the point where the relationship was broken. This was a person I used to trust, I called him my friend. And I can't say that he ever stopped being "my friend", I just allowed my shame to create this wall between us.

I'm scared; scared someone will point out the past failures, or bring to light previously unmentioned ones, more examples of how I missed the mark. And I'm worried my tenuos grasp on intrinsic worth (coupled with my deep seated need for affirmation) might not be strong enough to handle much of a blow.

I cannot undo the past, but it's not healthy for me to keep running from it. I need to trust in the goodness of God that He knows what is going on here.

Oh be good, for goodness sake

I read this and it really made me think, it really seems to reflect how I felt growing up and how I relate to God on many occasions. And how I relate to people around me.

John Coe, the Spiritual Formation Director at Biola University talks about moralistic parents who “exacerbate the original sin inherited heart habits by shame or guilt. These parents are often caring and kind but don’t know what to do with their children’s badness except to exhort or train their children to be good. They merely move the child into covering their bad by being good.” So the child learns to think, “My parents can not handle seeing me as I am; they can not handle the truth of my badness. So, I must hide my heart from them and others. I’ll just try to please or I’ll pretend to please until I am out of their home…No one can love me in my bad. And no one can handle my badness but me. I am supposed to deal with my badness by being good. Being good will make me more acceptable and lovable…”

Coe says, “Many are taught about Christ’s work on the cross, the forgiveness of sins, that God loved them unconditionally. But the love modeled and experienced at home was a kind of conditional love. Their parents did not intend this and they even told their children they loved them unconditionally. The truth, however, was that their children typically experienced more love from their parents when they were being good than when they were being bad.” Or in this case, when they were behaving in a way that embarrassed the parent.

He says, “As a result of shame parenting, the child feels loved but not known.”

quote excerpted from TrueFaced blog

# days sober 4

Fear and Loathing in Wheaton

Well maybe its not as bad as the title sounds, but I was in the process of signing up for an Exodus Conference that is happening this summer in Wheaton, IL. The conference will cost about $600.00 (plus travel) and it will last 5 days.

5 days...yah try to hide the fact that I am taking off from work, leaving town and going to a conference that I cannot tell my family and most of friends the true nature of - and hoping no one notices. Good luck.

I know I need to go. I know that God really blessed the last mini-conference that I was at. But my feeble excuses are just fears; fears of being found out, fears of what-if, and fears of not being in control of all of the details. So I need to save, pray, and trust that God will provide all that I need according to His riches in glory.

# days sober = 2

Happy 2009

Not sure how I expected 2009 to start. Two weeks ago, I would have told you how great it was going to be starting off the New Year with more than 60 days of sobriety. (pride goes before the fall...) But even tho I do not have 60+ days of sobriety, I do have the lessons and skills I have learned over this year. I can see a thread of grace running all the way back thru the different ups and downs I have experienced.

I've met new people, I've re-connected with old friends, and I've shared more openly in the relationships that I have. I have much to be grateful for. I start 2009 with a caring, supportive community of friends (and family). I have a great place to live.

Yes, I want 2009 to be different than 2008, but I need not write 2008 off as a wash. The year, and it's choices, existed. I cannot undo that, but I can pray that thru Christ I do not have to redo the same mistakes I made in '08 and I have much to look forward to in '09

# days sober = 1