The proper way to say "I'm sorry"

In my SCF devotional for today they had tons of quotes from Charles Spurgeon. But the one that really struck me was about Repentance, and not the "I'm sorry for getting caught" kind of repentance. I realized how much more Spurgeon I should be reading, maybe that would make it easier to quote him then the latest rowdy story I just heard.

True repentance has a distinct and constant reference to the Lord Jesus Christ. If you repent of sin without looking to Christ, away with your repentance. If you are so lamenting your sin as to forget the Savior, you have a need to begin all this work over again. Whenever we repent of sin, we must have one eye upon sin and another upon the cross; or, better still, let us have both eyes upon Christ, seeing our sin punished in him, and by no means let us look at sin except as we look at Jesus. A man may hate sin just as a murderer hates the gallows but this does not prove repentance if I hate sin because of the punishment, I have not repented of sin; I merely regret that God is just. But if I can see sin as an offense against Jesus Christ, and loathe myself because I have wounded him, then I have a true brokenness of heart. If I see the Savior and believe that those thorns upon his head were put there by my sinful words; if I believe that those wounds in his heart were pierced by my heart-sins; if I believe that those wounds in his feet were made by my wandering steps, and that the wounds in his hands were made by my sinful deeds, then I repent after a right fashion. Only under the cross can you repent. Repentance elsewhere is remorse, which clings to the sin and only dreads the punishment. Let us then seek, under God, to have a hatred of sin caused by a site of Christ's love.

Charles Spurgeon

I think I have spent alot of time regretting that God is just...but not enough time regretting the things I just did, and how that affects my relationship with Him.

Oh for the Love of God!!!!

That phrase still gets used in response to the sheer stupidity of another person, I seem to take it's meaning to be "Oh man the only reason you aren't dead yet is because God loves you, or if it weren't for the Love of God that restrains me, I'd prolly kill you myself!" But truly the phrase has so much more meaning than that. This post is a response to a hymn that I was reminded of in a daily devotion on the SCF website. I heard this hymn for the first time years ago at Eastbrook, it is one of Marc Ericsons' (Senior pastor) favorite hymns, for a few reasons...his sister (if I remember correctly) was ill and the treatment or the disease was going to take away her beautiful voice. She recorded several of her favorite hymns on a tape to play later for her children...this was one of them. Also the author of the hymn wrote that he found the third verse written on the cell wall of an old patient in an insane asylum after they carried him out to be buried, the lines are part of an old Jewish poem, but were thought to have been scribbled there by the patient in a rare moment of lucidity. Frederick Lehman then penned the other two verses of the song preceding the third stanza.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Refrain

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

1917, Fred­er­ick Leh­man

That these words were so important and moving to these people in the moments of darkest trial...gives me pause to wonder why more of my time is not spent dwelling on these things. But for today my heart has been lifted by these words. Click here if want to hear this song.

Un-flap-able

My struggle right now is, I seem to have little or no motivation to actually follow after what is right. Well intentioned people suggest that you "surrender" to God....and I understand the concept but the actual act of surrender, that is so much harder. It is harder because when you "give in" to lust you are giving in to a pressure that feels like the force of a million gallons of water against the dam, but to "surrender" to God is not like just letting the dam break, it is more of an active choice. You have to actually say "no" to the lust first and then you additionally have to say "yes" to God. And to find Him you have to search, pray, read, study - all those things are active....giving in to lust only requires that you not move towards those active things and eventually you will give in.

So I guess there is my answer, if I am not actively seeking out the things of God thru study, prayer, and fellowship...then I ultimately a sitting duck directly in the line of fire.

Except I just feel like I don't even have the strength to flap my wings, even a little...

Do I stay or do I go?

Well the idea of changing churches has gone thru my head more than a few times in the last couple months. I've spoken to couple of my good friends about the idea...and I'm still not sure. See the problem is that I don't feel connected to my current church. I went there because it was a close (geographically and theologically) substitute for my old church. Also I knew a few people so I thought that would decrease the time it took me to get integrated into the new church.

That hasn't happened. I've actually sat down and admitted my struggles with the associate pastor, the youth pastor (a friend of mine), and several men at a men's retreat this last Fall. And in each case I got some encouragement to "keep seeking after God" and "we all struggle like that, but God is working on you" but what I did not get was any consistent followup from anyone. For those who have dealt with sexual addicitions (counseling or having them) they know that isolation is one of the key parts of the issue, I really think I made an effort to be vunerable and transparent to these people in an attempt to bring myself into some sort of mentoring relationship that God could use in the healing and restoration process in my life.

So my question is, how long should I stay at this church (I'm going on 2 years)? It's not that I think its a bad church...but I guess I'm realizing that it may not be the best place for me right now. But if not there...then where? I'm at a total loss for how to look for a church, or to pick one, and how do I even know what I need? My church attendance hasn't been the most consistent hing in teh last 2 years....I miss at least one weekend a month for one reason or another, but sometimes its 2 or even 3 weeks that I miss. So no matter where I go, I need to go consistently in order to really get any benefit and truly evaluate the church or even experience any sort of connectedness or interaction with the people there.

I struggle with this idea that the church, whatever church, isn't "doing it" for me. It really smacks of a consumerism mentality, a mentality that I have advised others to avoid because God seems most close and we feel most connected when we are part of serving others. But am I in a position to serve others? Do I need to admit that I am so broken that I need to be served while I struggle for sobriety? Part of me finds that distastefull too...I think I sound so "needy", so "emotional"....I don't know if thats bad of me just trying to be independant thru even this.

Does this sound completely off-base?

Homeless-ness

So I had this long, intense conversation with a buddy of mine last night, which referenced a conversation I had a few days earlier with another christian buddy of mine. In the first conversation we talked about a homeless man that they had stay in their house for a couple days. So last night I was discussing some of the struggles I am currently experiencing and I related the story about the homeless guy and how I think its great to help him out, but it is not exactly a "safe" ministry...people are homeless (longterm, sleep under cardboard kind of homeless) for only a few reasons.

I am not an expert in this field so I cannot tell you which came first teh chicken or the egg, but homeless people are more often than not afflicted with some sort of mental disease, defect, or condition that precludes their simple re-entry into mainstream society. In order to re-integrate them you have to deal with their mental issues or they will just end up back under the stars, the only life they feel like they know and have control of.

The remaining portion of the homeless are homeless by choice. This seemslike a harsh statement, not withstanding the uncontrollable circumstances that probably put them in a homeless position, but long-term homelessness in an otherwise healthy individual is a choice. They have chosen to consider themselves a "homeless" person and have decided to pursue life under that premise. Their goal is not to invest all their time, energy, and resources into becomeing "not homeless" but to invest it in obtaining the meager possessions and limited amount of food that allow them to continue living but does not substantivly change their position in life.

All this preamble is not to hack on homeless people, more so I think it sheds some light on the position I find myself in. I am spiritually homeless, I have been living in the field under a tarp digging worms out of the ground...not because I was born for this, but because I have not invested all of my time, energy, and resources into returning the "city" I was born for. I have accepted a lifeless, powerless spiritual existance brought on by circumstances beyond my control. But I had (have) a choice, I found myself "homeless", no ministry, no connections, no spiritual walk and my first reaction was not to address the issues that precipitated my homelessness, it was to rant and rail about the injustice I felt. Not to correct the obvious deficiencies in my spiritual condition (by turning towards Jesus for forgiviness and healing).

So, not unlike a homeless guy, I find myself almost looking with contempt at all those people in their nice, warm houses; I see myself with a hint of bitterness, jealous of those who are not homeless. The "connected" ones who have a spiritual life and walk with Christ that gives them a home.

It's a choice, the door is open...why am I still homeless?

So why am I doing this again?

That question can be taken several ways, but the way that it struck my on my commute between a couple of our offices today was...why am I doing this? The idea of purity, denying myself, puttign my whole life in submission to Christ and his purpose. Am I doing it to please others? Because I enjoyed working with youth and I think that by straightening my life out I can go back to it and be happy again? Is it to conform to the ideals I've said I beleived for all these years? Is it to preserve the few remaining christian friendships I have (knowing that they would be dissapointed if I just gave up and wacked myself into oblivion)?

Why am I doing this? Is it really because I desire to know God and be known to Him in an intimate way that affects the very core of my being and as a collateral effect, influences those around me...spurring them on to "love and good deeds"? If that is not my sole reason for doing this...I could be in real trouble.

Weekend Summary

Well, the pattern for indulging on the weekends is still holding true. I attempted to satiate my lusts on Friday night and Sunday night. Even tho I was gone out of the house with people for almost the entire weekend.

I had a conversation on Saturday with a friend, we were discussing the idea of contentment and how that affects our desire to seek out other things to "fill in the gaps". I so realize that I am ultimately saying I am not content with the life that God has given me, or I am not content with just God, I need something more to make me happy.

I did go to church for the first time in about 4 weeks. It was good, but it felt a little weird. We were singing a song "Annointed One"

Jesus, Jesus,
Holy and Anointed One, Jesus.
Your Name is like honey on my lips,
Your Spirit like water to my soul,
Your Word is a lamp unto my feet,
Jesus, I love you, I love you.

One of the things that hit me while we were singing, is how rarely I hear myself using the name of Jesus. I seem to be alot more comfortable relating to the name God rather than Jesus. But during the song it almost felt like I was calling his name asking him to come find me, I'm lost. Which is also true. Sundays sermon was all about submission, something I seem to not practice very much. One of the definitions he gave about submission was "a recognition of our responsibilites inherent in an appropriate relationship" so who the relationship is with determines whats appropriate. (ie my boss, my pastor, or God) But I realize how much of the friendship that I used to enjoy with Jesus is gone, I have let that relationship grow cold thru dis-use. And any awkwardness at re-kindling it is only in my head, he is always willing.

Friday doesn't come soon enough

Well, its Friday. Last nights Pure Life was interesting. One of the guys gave a detailed accounting of how his sexual addiction progressed and evolved in his life. It was a thorough examination of the actions, causes, contributing factors, and a listing of those he hurt thru his actions. I started to think what my story would look like if I decided (or was even willing) to write it down. But its not just about people I've done stuff with, its about all the people you do stuff with in your mind....and then that conversation that they thought was innocent, but you knew in your mind was crafted just to satisfy your fantasy. Or all those "opportune moments" where you should've turned your head, but didn't. And even if it didn't occur to you then, you added that image to your catalog of images, stories, thoughts, and actions that I use to kickstart the process of acting upon the lust.

He also made mention of the final days of his addiction, and how after getting caught in yet another compromising situation, how God brought him to a place where he never acted out again. Sober. Free. Pure. It doesn't happen overnite, but the hope that a day like that exists in my life, wow, the question is...how do I get to the spot where I'm done with this, but not have to lose my job, my car, my apartment, my freedom, have a record, be on parole...where is my rock-bottom? How do I get to the end of myself without destroying my life in the process?

I also struggle with the fact the some of the issues I struggle with are relational, intimacy type issues. And the very types of people that I need to develop healthy relationships with also provide some of the most intense triggers to my sinful behaviour. It is not unlike someone with a food addiction, you can't just not eat, you have to learn balance and whats appropriate interaction with the food. I can't just not be with people, that withdrawel is deadly for me, but I need to be able to be with people without it driving me to act out more.

Its almost like the problem is the cure.

Further from the edge, no closer to home

Well, all in all, I would have to say this hasn't been a bad week as it relates to the struggle with lust. I think the last time I looked at porn was Saturday, and as far as I'm concerned, that is the biggest issue right now. I'm concerned about all of it....but the murderer who thinks abotu killing people should be happy to count a week where no one died! Now can that same murder expect to be able to fantasize about killing people for hours on end adn not beleive that it will result in a real action sooner or later? No, he can't.

So even tho it was a mildly successfull week...I'm still no closer to home. It wasn't successful becuase I laid all my cares at the foot of the cross. It wasn't successful because I commited myself to prayer. It wasn't even because I had such a great time of worship at church (or anywhere else for that matter). I don't know why this week was better, except to say that God loves his children, even the wayward ones and it is by His grace and patience alone that my week was not a complete train-wreck.

Now comes the tough part, it seems like after I goto the Pure Life bible study, or just the fact that it is the "weekend" I really seem to give in pretty easily, almost like I think I deserve it...I was good ALLLL week. Not a valid excuse, but I am just stating what seems to be happening.

So tonight is Pure Life and tomorrow , idk...but I think I'll see what some friends might be up to.