Homeless-ness

So I had this long, intense conversation with a buddy of mine last night, which referenced a conversation I had a few days earlier with another christian buddy of mine. In the first conversation we talked about a homeless man that they had stay in their house for a couple days. So last night I was discussing some of the struggles I am currently experiencing and I related the story about the homeless guy and how I think its great to help him out, but it is not exactly a "safe" ministry...people are homeless (longterm, sleep under cardboard kind of homeless) for only a few reasons.

I am not an expert in this field so I cannot tell you which came first teh chicken or the egg, but homeless people are more often than not afflicted with some sort of mental disease, defect, or condition that precludes their simple re-entry into mainstream society. In order to re-integrate them you have to deal with their mental issues or they will just end up back under the stars, the only life they feel like they know and have control of.

The remaining portion of the homeless are homeless by choice. This seemslike a harsh statement, not withstanding the uncontrollable circumstances that probably put them in a homeless position, but long-term homelessness in an otherwise healthy individual is a choice. They have chosen to consider themselves a "homeless" person and have decided to pursue life under that premise. Their goal is not to invest all their time, energy, and resources into becomeing "not homeless" but to invest it in obtaining the meager possessions and limited amount of food that allow them to continue living but does not substantivly change their position in life.

All this preamble is not to hack on homeless people, more so I think it sheds some light on the position I find myself in. I am spiritually homeless, I have been living in the field under a tarp digging worms out of the ground...not because I was born for this, but because I have not invested all of my time, energy, and resources into returning the "city" I was born for. I have accepted a lifeless, powerless spiritual existance brought on by circumstances beyond my control. But I had (have) a choice, I found myself "homeless", no ministry, no connections, no spiritual walk and my first reaction was not to address the issues that precipitated my homelessness, it was to rant and rail about the injustice I felt. Not to correct the obvious deficiencies in my spiritual condition (by turning towards Jesus for forgiviness and healing).

So, not unlike a homeless guy, I find myself almost looking with contempt at all those people in their nice, warm houses; I see myself with a hint of bitterness, jealous of those who are not homeless. The "connected" ones who have a spiritual life and walk with Christ that gives them a home.

It's a choice, the door is open...why am I still homeless?