Friday doesn't come soon enough

Well, its Friday. Last nights Pure Life was interesting. One of the guys gave a detailed accounting of how his sexual addiction progressed and evolved in his life. It was a thorough examination of the actions, causes, contributing factors, and a listing of those he hurt thru his actions. I started to think what my story would look like if I decided (or was even willing) to write it down. But its not just about people I've done stuff with, its about all the people you do stuff with in your mind....and then that conversation that they thought was innocent, but you knew in your mind was crafted just to satisfy your fantasy. Or all those "opportune moments" where you should've turned your head, but didn't. And even if it didn't occur to you then, you added that image to your catalog of images, stories, thoughts, and actions that I use to kickstart the process of acting upon the lust.

He also made mention of the final days of his addiction, and how after getting caught in yet another compromising situation, how God brought him to a place where he never acted out again. Sober. Free. Pure. It doesn't happen overnite, but the hope that a day like that exists in my life, wow, the question is...how do I get to the spot where I'm done with this, but not have to lose my job, my car, my apartment, my freedom, have a record, be on parole...where is my rock-bottom? How do I get to the end of myself without destroying my life in the process?

I also struggle with the fact the some of the issues I struggle with are relational, intimacy type issues. And the very types of people that I need to develop healthy relationships with also provide some of the most intense triggers to my sinful behaviour. It is not unlike someone with a food addiction, you can't just not eat, you have to learn balance and whats appropriate interaction with the food. I can't just not be with people, that withdrawel is deadly for me, but I need to be able to be with people without it driving me to act out more.

Its almost like the problem is the cure.