Well the idea of changing churches has gone thru my head more than a few times in the last couple months. I've spoken to couple of my good friends about the idea...and I'm still not sure. See the problem is that I don't feel connected to my current church. I went there because it was a close (geographically and theologically) substitute for my old church. Also I knew a few people so I thought that would decrease the time it took me to get integrated into the new church.
That hasn't happened. I've actually sat down and admitted my struggles with the associate pastor, the youth pastor (a friend of mine), and several men at a men's retreat this last Fall. And in each case I got some encouragement to "keep seeking after God" and "we all struggle like that, but God is working on you" but what I did not get was any consistent followup from anyone. For those who have dealt with sexual addicitions (counseling or having them) they know that isolation is one of the key parts of the issue, I really think I made an effort to be vunerable and transparent to these people in an attempt to bring myself into some sort of mentoring relationship that God could use in the healing and restoration process in my life.
So my question is, how long should I stay at this church (I'm going on 2 years)? It's not that I think its a bad church...but I guess I'm realizing that it may not be the best place for me right now. But if not there...then where? I'm at a total loss for how to look for a church, or to pick one, and how do I even know what I need? My church attendance hasn't been the most consistent hing in teh last 2 years....I miss at least one weekend a month for one reason or another, but sometimes its 2 or even 3 weeks that I miss. So no matter where I go, I need to go consistently in order to really get any benefit and truly evaluate the church or even experience any sort of connectedness or interaction with the people there.
I struggle with this idea that the church, whatever church, isn't "doing it" for me. It really smacks of a consumerism mentality, a mentality that I have advised others to avoid because God seems most close and we feel most connected when we are part of serving others. But am I in a position to serve others? Do I need to admit that I am so broken that I need to be served while I struggle for sobriety? Part of me finds that distastefull too...I think I sound so "needy", so "emotional"....I don't know if thats bad of me just trying to be independant thru even this.
Does this sound completely off-base?
I don't know why it's so difficult to find good accountability. Maybe people are just afraid of getting involved because of their own struggles? Or maybe the effort that it takes doesn't appeal to people anymore?
ReplyDeleteAs I've said before, please don't give up!! It seems as though you are going through a period of brokeness. I've gone through brokeness before and it felt like God was holding my head under water. Of course when your head is being held under water you immediately start thrashing around in panic for your life but God clearly asks us to die. To stop struggling and holding on to all of that other stuff and succumb or rather, surrender to HIM.