The Manhattan Declaration

"We acknowledge that there are those who are disposed towards homosexual and polyamorous conduct and relationships, just as there are those who are disposed towards other forms of immoral conduct. We have compassion for those so disposed; we respect them as human beings possessing profound, inherent, and equal dignity; and we pay tribute to the men and women who strive, often with little assistance, to resist the temptation to yield to desires that they, no less than we, regard as wayward. We stand with them, even when they falter. We, no less than they, are sinners who have fallen short of God’s intention for our lives. We, no less than they, are in constant need of God’s patience, love and forgiveness. We call on the entire Christian community to resist sexual immorality, and at the same time refrain from disdainful condemnation of those who yield to it. Our rejection of sin, though resolute, must never become the rejection of sinners. For every sinner, regardless of the sin, is loved by God, who seeks not our destruction but rather the conversion of our hearts. Jesus calls all who wander from the path of virtue to "a more excellent way."
excerpt from The Manhattan Declaration

I read this and thought that it was a good summation of the stance I hold regarding the struggles in my own life. But even moreso, I hope that it can become the stance that the greater Church, at large, can adopt in relating to those who struggle, and even fall.

The ISM factor

Came across a website today...have been feeling sorta low due to a question that was posed to me (that echo's my own questions),

"So you've been at this like 3 years, what is keeping you from having longer sobriety, what is holding you back?"

When I think of the spot I'm in, the amazing amounts of resources I have access to (quality counseling, the number of available meetings, my safe living arrangements) I can't list one specific factor that I would say holds me back...expect "me", I hold me back.

Well I ran into this page that really described how I feel and the situation I find myself in,

The God given balance of my instincts for security, survival, ambition, safety, and protection is threatened;

I exhibit childishness, grandiosity, emotional immaturity and belligerent denial;

The symptoms associated with this maladjustment are manifest in and exacerbated by self-centered fear, and my perception of and reaction to self-centered fear compounds my unmanageability;

The results of my distorted thinking culminate in the deterioration and corruption of my system of beliefs and personal values, which spirals into a gradual, often imperceptible descent into "spiritual depression."

I appear of my power and unaided resources incapable of rationally and reasonably overriding my mind and emotions, the results of which I expose and express in obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, and excessive desires and drives in daily living.

My unrestrained excessive desires gradually develop into demands, resulting in self-defeating behavior that is injurious to myself and others. My behavior engages feelings of guilt, remorse and shame; I feel resentment, self pity and fear.

My self-centered'ness exacerbates feelings of separation. This intensified separation leads me to be consumed with and baffled by feelings of difference, which is to suggest I don’t fit in, belong, or feel a part of; I feel separate from others; I feel abnormal and I often wonder (to myself) "what’s wrong with me, I feel different."

I am maladjusted to life. I vacillate between feelings of inferiority and superiority. I live defensively and guarded. I feel restless, irritable and discontent with life. I am ill-at-ease and subject to self-delusion. I seek consciously or unconsciously an effect which will afford me a sense of relief extemporaneously. Without relief and a solution, I condemn myself to live a continuous, unending frustration of self-will, with an obsessive desire (and drive) to act, feel, and be normal.

So now the key is to accept that this is where I'm at, emotionally at the level of an adolescent. And my addiction is in full-effect as it relates to these things.

Calling a spade...a spade

When do we not call a spade a spade....when we think it might hurt someone's feelings.

In his blog, Love is an Orientation, Andrew's guest blogger Jon shared about his church going, gay family.

What I sense more from the comments to this post(and others) is that "love" and "acceptance" are the highest expressions of Christ that we can emulate. I dont' think that is true. Christ's love drove Him to bridge the gap so that we might gain "acceptance" with our Heavenly Father.

The heart of the debate and I think even the start of any bridge-building must come from a settling of the issue (within ones own heart) as to wether or not "gay is okay". If homosexuality is not a sin, then no one has any right to deny a gay couple anything. They are fully and equally yoked as any straight couple.

But if being gay is not a God-approved expression of love between the same-sexes. Then by what authority is equality demanded, expected, or even offered? We accept the person, just as they are, but we do not need to accept their beleifs in order to love them as Christ loves us.

Running out of lives

If you have known me for any length of time, you've prolly heard everything I'm going to say from me before. But yet again I was in the hot-seat in my bosses office for doing what it is I do best. In this case it is related to my not being to work on time, and basically the acrimonious communications between my boss and I.

I'm at the same spot I always am. This time he said I will face disciplinary action if I am late again. I've reached the end of my 9 lives.

Problem is; I've been here for the past 3 years. And the issue is the same for all the areas of my life. I've been in counseling for 2+ years, and I'm not functionally more sober than a few months after I started. I've been late to work at OA for 6 years. I'm late to most everything I goto (except maybe Adv Rock). I don't take hold of the things I know I need to do to improve my physical, mental, program, or spiritual life.

I know what I am 'supposed" to do...why is it so hard to do it? Am I chronically flawed such that I am unable to? (Doubtful) So then I'm left with the simple fact that I believe I am entitled. I am entitled to be late, not sober, and unhealthy...and then piss and moan about the consequences of those decisions make my life "difficult". Except if you look at it, my life is great...I have a job, insurance, car, decent apartment, church, friends, counseling, family. I get to go places. I have people who are willing to take my phone calls.

I lack for nothing, yet I barely have the will to get out of bed most mornings. I not asking for answers...I just need to let people know where I'm at, and ask them to pray (for whatever God intends to do in my life). I'm going back to the Dr to talk about meds again. I've been on and off meds for depression several times in my life, but maybe there is more going on than I am aware of. But even if it can help level the playing field....my sin is still a choice, my entitlements are directly resultant from a lack of humility. That I am not in control, and am not meant to be...but the petulant child inside of me says, "But I WANT it!!!!", or "I don't FEEL like it!!!!"

So I guess I just figured out what I want to be when I grow up...

...a sober, on-time, humble, helpful, God-fearing, Christian man.

Passive Deviants

“If you think about it, when someone has a same-sex attraction, whether they act on that attraction or they don’t act on that attraction, they are automatically passive deviants to mainline Christianity.” (quoting from Andrew M. in an interview by CW)

That line TOTALLY resonates with me. I feel THAT!!!! And it has been a source of intense shame for me in my christian walk.

To speak the Truth in love.

I am re-posting a comment I left on another blog, not sure if that is bad form in the blog-o-sphere...but it is my blog, so I'll do what I want :)

Here is my response to this post "Another Denomination and Gay Ordination" by Andrew Marin of the Marin Foundation. You might read the original post first so you get a feel for what I'm responding to, but the comment also articulates for me my position in this ongoing debate over taking a public stand on this issue. Here's the link to John Pipers blog post that got the natives all riled up in the first place.

Anyway, here's what I said...

I have read this blog for a while, listened to Andrew speak, and basically dug around to see what I could see for myself. And after all that...I'm still unconvinced that 'bridge-building' is God's main message. Jesus didn't come to make sure that no one was poor, even tho he had compassion for them. He didn't even tell slaves that beleived in Him that they were now free, even tho he must have spoken to and saw hundreds in his ministry years.

So this comment thread is supposedly about the ELCA decision and Pipers "rant". But it still turns into a "how dare he say such vile things". Are we allowed to call our doctor a bigot for telling us that our diet is killing us? So it seems like the comments run along "party lines"...if you are a 'bridge-builder' you feel bad that someone issued a harsh statement condemning the open, unrepentant practice of homosexuality. If you are in Pipers camp (or even the outskirts), you say he's is just supporting a reasoned and accurate interpretation of scripture. After which, all the "bridge-builders" sigh and shake their heads at us unenlightened simpletons who are stuck in the dark-ages and have not achieved this new level of 'maturity' regarding such important identity issues as sexual orientation.

I, for one, am tired of it. Before you write me off...hear me out. I AM a struggler. I have lived with homosexual attractions since I was young. I have experimented, embraced, suppressed, rejected, and/or lamented over them at different times in my life. I have felt the terror of letting anyone in my church know of my secret struggles, I have felt the sting of actual rejection, even when it was only theorized that this might be what I struggle with.

So what if you build a bridge? So what if you come sit with me in my sack-cloth and ashes and tell me how sorry you are for all those "meanies" out there who don't understand the issue? Fact is....I still have an issue that I need to work out...either God is or is not for open homosexual relations among His Creation or He is not.

Does God love me? You darn betcha. Does He forgive me, even if I never stop lusting after every half-attractive, 20-something that walks past me? Again, a resounding YES! Does the Church have a long, long way to go in learning how to deal lovingly with others whom they don't understand and do not share the exact same set of doctrines? YES! But does God potentially love me so much that He is unwilling to leave me in the same condition he found me? Even if I think I'm pretty comfortable with it?

But is watering down the issue, by not taking a biblical stand and honestly conveying that, the answer? I don't think so. Is there no room for approaching the LGBT person (not the Community) with the premise that I can love and relate to you as a person, and we can talk about God loves and relates to us as individuals. And if you ask me, I will honestly tell you that a "gay" lifestyle isn't God's 'best' for you...but only because I love and care about you as a whole person would I say that. 'Cause if I just wanted to be popular and loved by lots of people...I'd stick with, "I'm not sure what God really meant, but it's okay for you to be you and we'll celebrate that instead!"

So rip on Piper all you want...he's just doing his job. Are you sure you are doing yours?

To merge, or not to merge...

My counselor threw out a word that has been rattling around in my head. It relates to my pattern of needing people to "go with me" into the middle of my despair, loneliness, whatever drama is going on at the moment.

(n) merging: the act of joining together as one

As I said in the previous post, I really felt like i did not fit in (still do). So it makes sense that this is a big part of my issue. I'm trying to puzzle out how to walk in that tension between trying to merge and trying to yield to appropriate relational boundaries.

His comment was originally related to a regular, everyday situation and my very emotional response to it, but it also sheds light on my struggles with SSA. In fact, it highlights that I can still be operating out of my broken desires to see my needs met thru illegitimate means, even if I'm not trying (consciously/actively) to be sexual with that other person.

Tracking the source

As a kid I did not feel like anyone was there for me emotionally. I was left to deal with my feelings on my own. So in thinking about this void and legitimate need that went unmet, I came across a blog post that articulated what I see as my progression into struggling with homosexuality.

It should be no surprise, then, that when a person longs for intimacy with another, that longing may include a desire to share sexual pleasure. For most people, that longing is directed toward members of the opposite sex. Normal development usually includes, as stated earlier, an early phase of bonding with the same sex. By the time this need for same-sex bonding has been satisfied and the child is ready for relations with the opposite sex, he is also entering puberty with its accompanying sexual drives. Perfect timing! Right when we’re emotionally prepared for romantic love, our bodies are following suit.

But what happens when we’re not emotionally prepared for relationships with the opposite sex? What if, by the time we reach puberty, our need for same-sex love is still unsatisfied and predominant? Our bodies won’t wait for our emotions to catch up. Instead, we may develop strong sexual desires which may cross, like wires, with our emotional needs. In that case, the emotional need for closeness and identification with other people of our sex becomes a sexualized need, with members of our own sex being the object of both our sexual and emotional desires.

......

It probably started with your perceptions. You began to see yourself as a child without resources. You know better than I exactly what resources you were lacking: affirmation, attention, a figure to identify with, or maybe a combination of all three. You couldn’t articulate it back then; you only knew that something was missing. And that “something” probably centred around a need for stronger bond with those of your own sex. Maybe you felt different from your peers or alienated from one or both of your parents, most noticeably the one of your own gender. That hurt, no doubt. You wanted closeness; you felt distance. You can’t really say, perhaps, who is to bless or who is to blame. Maybe there was obvious rejection; maybe not. But the result is the same either way.

Maybe you responded by withdrawing, creating your own world of safety and fantasy. Or perhaps you simply waited for someone special to love you and take care of you. You may even have become angry, resolving to never again let yourself feel hurt or rejected by another member of your own sex. Each of these responses affected your relationships with other boys/girls and, eventually, with other men and women. You felt different from them, too. They may never have known your feelings of differentness, but you were all too aware of them. They persisted, giving rise to an aching desire to bond, to be close, to feel accepted.

At some point, perhaps very early, maybe later, you realized that this desire was more than emotional. It was accompanied by sexual longings. Most likely, you were aware of those longings before you even knew what homosexuality was. Then one day you heard the word queer or fag, pondered its meaning, put two and two together, and realized you were one of “them.” It became your secret, most likely difficult to keep and even more difficult to bear. You didn’t ask for these feelings, but you learned that they were unacceptable to most people. That didn’t encourage you to talk them over with anyone, even those closest to you. Your secret became your private burden, one you carried for years. Perhaps even to this day.

So for you, homosexuality, whether expressed through actions or fantasies, represents legitimate emotional needs that have not been satisfied through normal means. You are not mentally ill, reprobate, or retarded. In fact, you may be a highly capable adult who functions well in most areas. But at some point you have found deep satisfaction through homosexual feeling.

<http://thetruthsetsyoufree.wordpress.com/sexualization-of-emotional-needs/>

Ugh this is so hard to put out there. But I need to, otherwise I will keep interacting with everyone I meet using all the unhealthy methods of relating that I have secretly used my whole life. It makes me think of a term that a fellow struggler shared, "emotionally handicapped", but that is a whole other post in and of itself!

A Mother's Love

Today is my Mom's birthday. I called and left a message wishing her a "Happy Birthday" and said that I loved her. And it's true, I do love her but our relationship has a long way to go still.

This past Friday I chose to share with her my experiences and thoughts regarding the recent Exodus Conference I attended. This is the first time I have spoken to her directly about SSA struggles. I believe that she was nominally aware of them via my step-Dad and by the token that I was going an Exodus conference. I shared with her that I had struggled with this since I was 10 or 11. And that Exodus and their ministry is exactly what I and the Church needs. I also shared that while this struggle has been one of my deepest darkest secrets, God may be asking me to be willing to share my story in some more public fashion.

Her response? To say the Bible says it's a sin, even that it says this is a worse sin than others, and that I should consider how damaging me sharing my struggles could be to others. Case in point; she hoped I was not planning on telling my Aunts and Uncles about any of this because she "wouldn't be able to face them, they would think we were terrible parents".

That hurt.

It's not that I expected an amazingly positive, modern, mature christian response from her. But apparently I was hoping for a bit more understanding than I got. But I guess the whole point of sharing with her was to not have to hide my feelings and struggles from my own family. Mom has always been pretty distant, functional, but not warm and cuddly. I remember coming home from school (more than once) to find just-made chocolate chip cookies cooling on the counter. Mom was there to serve up cookies and milk...but no conversation. I ate in silence.

I'm not sure how all this ties in my addiction, SSA struggles, or what not. And I'm not sure it even matters, but what matters is that I get it out and don't have the toxic effects of it continuing to erode my insides.

Note: This is a small vignette of my interactions with my Mom. She is and has been a very hard working, dedicated, single mother (from my age 4 to 10). She has done the best she could with what she had (mentally, emotionally, physically) at the time. But I have to acknowledge where it wasn't enough...some of my needs went unmet (maybe still do). The process of working this out is proving to be pretty difficult, and I'm sure this was a tough for her to process. With God's help, hopefully she will, in time, begin to accept my struggle and what God may decide to do with it and/or me.

Another Slip

For those of you new to my blog, I have been part of a 12 step recovery program (Sexaholics Anonymous) for almost 2.5 years and I have been keeping track of my sobriety*.

Until today I had 32 days of sobriety (consecutive). That ended this morning. Nothing too hideous, morbid, or illegal...heck there wasn't even porn involved. But there doesn't have to be for it to be a problem for me. The trigger this time was feeling 'less than' compared to some friends I interacted with over the weekend. That led to fantasy and ultimately to acting out. There is also a thread of pride/entitlement in there, the idea that "I can manage this. I won't go all the way. It's ok to allow this thought/fantasy to roll around in my head". I did more than let the fantasies in - I welcomed them, all the while saying to myself, "I should be able to handle this."

Obviously, I was wrong.

Now begins the process of revealing my 'slip' to my sponsor, program fellows, and close accountability people. This is the part where I want to run and hide. I can't, at least not if I want to pursue a healthier way of dealing with life than I had chosen in the past. Most of all I need to run to Jesus, my Saviour. I struggle with that too. But I don't have a choice, He is the only one who can help me.

# days sober = 0

* SA sobriety is defined as "no sex with ourselves and no sex with any partner other than the spouse"

Who are you? And what are you doing here?

One of the first questions at the Exodus Conference that really struck me was asked by Alan Chambers in his opening address.

"Who are you? And what are you doing here?"

This question really resonates with me on so many levels. In the past I have tried to answer that question by where I was. I'm in church - I must be a "christian", I'm helping the youth group - I'm a "youth leader", or I'm into a particular sport - THAT must be who I am. And in truth most people only knew me in the context of those roles. It gave me the "rules" I needed to know to act appropriately within that construct, but I was terrified that I would be discovered, that my secret would get out (he's one of THOSE!!!).

But without those rules to play by, the question becomes even more important.

"Who am I? And what am I doing here?"

I have allowed people and circumstances to say who I am (gay, pervert, failure, useless) but who has the power to truly name me? Who can discern my true nature and name that?

Only the One who created me.

So I need to ask Him, "Who do You say that I am?" When those old voices want to tell me who they think I am, I need to go back to God and ask Him to remind me again who He says I am. This may seem like a very basic idea for some, but for me this is something I really struggle with.

# days sober = 30

Exodus 2009 - Make us One

I had the awesome privilege of attending my first Exodus Conference in Wheaton, IL. this past week. I will have to take bits of it and develop them into different blog posts - simply because I could not possibly get it all into one.

So I'll just start with the overall impression of the conference, my first formal introduction to Exodus, and meeting many of its key players.

I guess what really struck me is the humility and honesty with which Alan Chambers opened the first evening. This wasn't "Change Camp", nor was it promised that your struggles with SSA would be "greatly reduced" it you just followed these "17 simple steps". What was emphasized throughout the week was that God is glorified and Christ in formed in us during the 'process'. He has a plan and purpose, change is possible - but change may not look like you expected it to.

All very nice catch phrases, but the conference workshops and subsequent speakers fleshed these ideas out with practical applications and exhortations to pursue Christ and healing would come as byproduct of that pursuit.

There are several key areas that God spoke directly to me on, namely in my unforgiviness of self, my disbelief of God ever using me again, and a barrier that I felt was affecting my ability to connect with God.

And if that wasn't enough...there were the people! I have read some posts from individuals who feel that gathering a bunch of SSA strugglers in one place is like the "blind leading the blind" (Heaven forbid that we let sinners actually get together on a regular basis....oh no...we call that CHURCH). It actually was the Church that met there this week, the Body of Christ, doing what it supposed to. Loving, laughing, binding up hurts, teaching, correcting, worshipping...it was all there. In almost any church service I have been in (for years) I have felt that "If they only knew....they wouldn't want me here". The lie is straight from the Pit and this conference was chance to participate freely in worship and have the power of that lie broken. They DO know, and I'm STILL welcome!

# of days sober = 25

I listen to people say, "I'm turning <#of years old>, and I wish I had ". I hear others share their painful experiences with regret. Or the fear that they have somehow missed "God's Best" for them.

I can relate. I wonder where I would be today if I didn't have an addiction. What would my life look like if I did not struggle with SSA? Is God disappointed to find me here, today?

God looked down through the corridors of time and knew what each of us would need to become more intimately connected with Him and then He ordained our days – overseeing our circumstances, directing our paths, and providing enough of Himself to be available to us when we feel we’re at our wits’ end – so that we would live that story and find Him as our all in all. http://www.crosswalk.com/spirituallife/women/11604138/page0/

On Singleness

This article on singleness (www.crosswalk.com) peaked my interest. I like reading Hudson's stuff, I actually emailed him once in comment to something he wrote, and he replied! Holy Cow the Internet talked back!!!!! The article is basically about the questions of "why am I still single", and "if so, what is wrong with me"??? It really echoed a lot of the questions I hear inside my own head.

And it rang similar to the other questions of worth and value that I have struggled with all thru the recovery process. I need to dig deeper into this, I feel like the heart of my recovery centers around gaining and applying this understanding of my position and worth being found in Christ alone, and not in anything else I say, do, don't do, have, stand near, or know something about.

Yes its been forever since I have written in the blog, no it hasn't all been good times. But it is what it is.

Run Away!!!!!

So some days, the last thing I want is to meet the resurrected, glorious Christ. He just exposes too many flaws. Christianity Today "Christ is Risen- Run Away"

This pretty much sums up what I feel like lately. We are supposed to "approach the throne of grace with confidence" but my life seems to ooze anything but confidence in the presence or the potential presence of Jesus. I'm the non-compliant patient, the one with the infected sore. I fail to follow the Dr's orders - which would allow me to live a normal life and keep the infection in check, but again and again I become inflamed with 'stuff' trapped beneath the surface. Maybe its where I've been (not the cleanest of places) , maybe its lack of care - but it's gotten out of control again. I need to see the Healer...but I don't. I don't call, I don't go, I know I should...but I don't.

# days sober = 2

Am I a Practical Atheist?

I'll let you read the whole article for yourself (the link is below) but I will quote the part that tore me up and made me sit back and ask, "Is this me?". Unfortunately, the answer is "Yes, yes, and yes"

Speaking of being fair, let's. I wonder if our fascination with atheism is well-focused. If Lent, the season we are currently slogging through, reminds us of anything, it reminds us that Christians are often practicing atheists. As I said, philosophical atheists cannot hate God. Christians, on the other hand, know God exists and therefore can and do hate him. One thing you do with persons you hate is pretend like they don't exist.

We dutifully say our prayers in the morning, but then go about the day hardly giving God a thought, making decisions and engaging the day as if we had left him at home. At the end of a whirlwind day, we fall exhausted into bed, and, if we are particularly devout, we offer up another prayer. But the picture at the center of this prayer-framed life is often blank.

Take simple moral choices. Jesus tells us not to lust. But that doesn't stop the occasional peek at porn. We are told to speak the truth in love, and yet we tell so many white lies, we need an Excel sheet to keep track. We know we should turn the other cheek, but we delight in imagining rituals of revenge.

There are unconscious sins — the thoughtless word or angry gesture that comes out of nowhere. But then there are the deliberate sins: we have a moment to ponder our duty, which lies clearly before us. No question what God is calling us to do. And we do the opposite.

If this isn't a form of atheism, even of hating God, I don't know what is. No wonder Jesus uses stark language to describe faith: We either hate Jesus (John 15:23-24) or we hate ourselves (John 12:25). That's what it comes down to. And we often know who "our first hate" is.

ChristianityToday "Where to Find the Real Atheists"

The God that invited us to "do life" with Him, knows all about my tendency to live as if He doesn't exist in whatever situation I'm in...and He's forgiven me for that already.

That is the message of hope for me this Easter.

The Hundred Dollar Bill

A crisp new one hundred dollar bill - how much is it worth?

Same bill, crumpled up - how much is it worth?

Crumpled bill, lying the the dirt, stepped on, repeatedly

- how much is it worth?

One Hundred dollars.

No matter the condition it is in - a hundred dollar bill is worth $100.

So too it is with us, no matter the condition we find ourselves in
- we are still worth our full face-value to God.

We all want to see ourselves as crisp, new bills.

Truth is...those bills are crisp and new because they haven't been used yet.

Man in the mirror

So it's been a bit since my last post, it appears that I really like to post when things are going well, but totally go underground when it's not. That seems to be true in several facets of my relations with people around me. I was out of town for a few days on vacation. It seems like "vacation" is good excuse to take time off from recovery. Once I returned home I did not make the effort to reintegrate myself into the Program. As a direct result, as slip was inevitable.

But as I finally started to go back to meetings and begin to re-apply the principles of the program, I do see this one area that has been a consistent 'soft-spot' in my program. I can go to meetings, I can fill out forms, I can make tough phone calls about my past, but the one thing I have consistently avoided doing on a daily basis is honestly looking at (and dealing with) the character defects and broken beliefs inside of me.

I refuse to look in the mirror and be honest about what I see there.

But there is no other way, the problem is not "out there" in the world (or other people). The problem is in me, the diseased attitudes, beliefs, fantasies....it's all in me. And all of my interactions with the people around me are perceived thru that distortion, hence the irrational fears, or the misread relational cue's that seem to plague my life.

The key? Time spent with God in honest introspection, healthy interaction with others, and desire to become transparent (even vulnerable) to others in this process.

# days sober = 4 days

Came across this today, really convicting as to how I react to the world around me based off of my own insecurities. When of all peoples in the world, as a Christian I should be the most secure, not because of anything in me but because of who has claimed me.

.....from the book The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee.
"Our true value is based not on our behavior or the approval of others but on what God's word says is true. Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are. It is usually consistent with what we think to be true about ourselves (Prov 23:7). If we base our worth solidly on the truths of God's word, then our behavior will often reflect His love, grace, and power. But if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that comes from such instability."

I have been learning the truth of those words in recent months. When I trust who God says I am I begin to stock the ingredients listed on the fruits of the Spirit menu board. God declares all of the following list to be true about me…a broken down TV director. And all of these things became true from the MOMENT I trusted Christ.

I am forgiven. Col 2:13–14
I am a child of God. John 1:2; Rom 8:15
I received Christ's KIND of life, eternal: John 5:24
I was delivered from Satan's domain and into the Kingdomof Christ
Col 1:13
Christ came to dwell with me. Col 1:27; Rev 3:20
I am a new Creation: 2 Cor 5:17
I am declared righteous by God: 2 Cor 5:21
I entered a love relationship w/ God: 1 John 4:9-11
I am accepted by God: Col 1:19-22
from Confessions of Bad Christian blog

I need to spend more time than just making a blog entry on these verses. I have not been committing any time to bible study, maybe some recovery, and a quick prayer. But actual, honest study and prayer is really missing in my life.

Acceptance

The goal of our relationships is not that anything gets fixed, but that nothing is hidden.” TrueFaced

I was again faced with my shame last night. I was faced with communicating (a friend request) with a person from my past whom I feel that I have let down. I failed, I failed to be what I said I was, I failed to live up to what they thought I was. What was and what it looked like were not the same thing in my life. I hid my struggles, I tried to hide my failures. (I even failed at that!)

So when I saw the message from him, my heart quailled, my stomach clenched, and I began to rehash all of the failures that brought me to the point where the relationship was broken. This was a person I used to trust, I called him my friend. And I can't say that he ever stopped being "my friend", I just allowed my shame to create this wall between us.

I'm scared; scared someone will point out the past failures, or bring to light previously unmentioned ones, more examples of how I missed the mark. And I'm worried my tenuos grasp on intrinsic worth (coupled with my deep seated need for affirmation) might not be strong enough to handle much of a blow.

I cannot undo the past, but it's not healthy for me to keep running from it. I need to trust in the goodness of God that He knows what is going on here.

Oh be good, for goodness sake

I read this and it really made me think, it really seems to reflect how I felt growing up and how I relate to God on many occasions. And how I relate to people around me.

John Coe, the Spiritual Formation Director at Biola University talks about moralistic parents who “exacerbate the original sin inherited heart habits by shame or guilt. These parents are often caring and kind but don’t know what to do with their children’s badness except to exhort or train their children to be good. They merely move the child into covering their bad by being good.” So the child learns to think, “My parents can not handle seeing me as I am; they can not handle the truth of my badness. So, I must hide my heart from them and others. I’ll just try to please or I’ll pretend to please until I am out of their home…No one can love me in my bad. And no one can handle my badness but me. I am supposed to deal with my badness by being good. Being good will make me more acceptable and lovable…”

Coe says, “Many are taught about Christ’s work on the cross, the forgiveness of sins, that God loved them unconditionally. But the love modeled and experienced at home was a kind of conditional love. Their parents did not intend this and they even told their children they loved them unconditionally. The truth, however, was that their children typically experienced more love from their parents when they were being good than when they were being bad.” Or in this case, when they were behaving in a way that embarrassed the parent.

He says, “As a result of shame parenting, the child feels loved but not known.”

quote excerpted from TrueFaced blog

# days sober 4

Fear and Loathing in Wheaton

Well maybe its not as bad as the title sounds, but I was in the process of signing up for an Exodus Conference that is happening this summer in Wheaton, IL. The conference will cost about $600.00 (plus travel) and it will last 5 days.

5 days...yah try to hide the fact that I am taking off from work, leaving town and going to a conference that I cannot tell my family and most of friends the true nature of - and hoping no one notices. Good luck.

I know I need to go. I know that God really blessed the last mini-conference that I was at. But my feeble excuses are just fears; fears of being found out, fears of what-if, and fears of not being in control of all of the details. So I need to save, pray, and trust that God will provide all that I need according to His riches in glory.

# days sober = 2

Happy 2009

Not sure how I expected 2009 to start. Two weeks ago, I would have told you how great it was going to be starting off the New Year with more than 60 days of sobriety. (pride goes before the fall...) But even tho I do not have 60+ days of sobriety, I do have the lessons and skills I have learned over this year. I can see a thread of grace running all the way back thru the different ups and downs I have experienced.

I've met new people, I've re-connected with old friends, and I've shared more openly in the relationships that I have. I have much to be grateful for. I start 2009 with a caring, supportive community of friends (and family). I have a great place to live.

Yes, I want 2009 to be different than 2008, but I need not write 2008 off as a wash. The year, and it's choices, existed. I cannot undo that, but I can pray that thru Christ I do not have to redo the same mistakes I made in '08 and I have much to look forward to in '09

# days sober = 1