Breakfast at Tiffany's...or just City Market

So I did breakfast today with the old roomates from about 5 years ago.

It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I had some anxiety as to how it might all be.

Yes, everyone else is married, yes they all have kids, a kid on the way, or are in the process of adopting. Yes they all live in houses that they bought. They all are successfull at their jobs working firms, or large companies. So, I feel a little under-performing there. But none of them hold that against me, why do I feel the need to hold it against myself?

We mostly talked about what the others were up to, no one even asked me where I work, or if I was dating, or if I was still in ministry anywhere. (Which is prolly cause the world isn't all about me, I just forget that). We had some fun memories of stuff at the house, so all in all, it was good.

So I'm thankful for that, I really feel like I'd like to just forget the past. I can't, my past is what it is....and I cannot change it. What I have is today.

And thank God I'm still here for it!

# days sober = 5

Take heart

I feel like my struggle lies under the surface, where too few know about it, and even fewer seem to be willing to stand knee-deep in the muck with me as I stumble thru this process...but to those trusted few, and fellow strugglers everywhere; take heart.

I found this quote by C.S Lewis:

But if you are a poor creature—poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels—saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion—nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends—do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom he blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) he will fling it on the scrapheap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all—not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)

# days sober = 2

There's a skeleton in my closet!!!!!

So I have had my 4th painful opportunity to drag the ugliest skeletons of my past out of the closet (that I never admitted existed) and show them off to a small group of people.

Not fun.

But completely necesary. There's an excerpt from the White Book that talks about "clear away the wreckage of your past, and join us", I knew it would come to this eventually. But I was really hoping to avoid it.

Ok. So it's out there. Now what? Good question. I think the next real step is to forgive myself. I've thrown this out there and felt the acceptance of others, God has made it clear that He loves me - just as I am, all that is left is to forgive myself. I have no idea why that is so hard...it just is right now. I know some people with pretty rough histories, and I think they are great people - I do not think about them with the same sort of judgemental intolerance that I seem to apply to myself.

# of days sober = 8

Whats wrong with the World...

Right now I'm feeling pretty frustrated at work. Just regular situations that get me riled up, things that aren't handled the way that I think they should be. And I was thinking in my head, the program tells me "that whenever there is resentment or anger; it means that there is something wrong in me." Huh???? You mean when everyone around me is a bloomin' idiot...there is something wrong in me? When other peoples lack of planning constitutes an emergency on my part....there is something wrong with me?? When I get cut-off, crapped on, and jacked up....there is something wrong with me?????

That is a big pill to swallow. But they are right.

There have been stupid people for as long the caribou have roamed the tundra. And bad things will continue to happen, to good people...and me. The situations I will never have control over, but the one thing I am asked, by God, to do is "be self-controlled and alert". This is so hard, I don't want to believe that I am fundamentally (tho not permanently) flawed in the way that I respond to the world.

But I am. There is something wrong with me.

God, grant me the willingness to submit to Your care and healing in this and all areas of my life. Help me to act of love instead of react defensively. Show me how to give the same kind of grace to those around me that I expect to receive for myself. Help me to be humble in my failings, but not beaten down. Teach me to run to You when it hurts, instead of run away.

# days sober = 10

Desperately waiting for Connection

So here I am trying to connect and feeling like I am missing it entirely. I make phone calls, go to peoples house to have dinners, have lunch meetings with people, and today I had lunch with a friend; even during that I wasn't sure that I was connecting.

I don't know how....but I feel like I am entirely missing the boat here. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

# of days sober = 8

Pop Quiz

I found this "pop quiz" in an article on Crosswalk. I haven't even really had the chance to process how many of these I don't do...but given the last question...does my score really matter? It matters in the sense that I want to strive for a deeper, more abiding relationship with Christ that impacts my life and the lives around me in a positive way. But it can be a helpful benchmark to check myself against on a regular basis and ask, "Am I making progress towards these goals? If not, what can I do differently now that will make a difference?"

It's a tough quiz to pass, but I guess it's better to compare myself against reality than live a meager life clouded in fantasy.

1. Do I live like Christ is all that matters?
2. Do I put on mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience each day?
3. Do I make allowance for other’s faults?
4. Do I forgive those who offend me?
5. Do I understand how much I have been forgiven?
6. Do I let the peace of Christ rule my heart?
7. Am I always thankful?
8. Do I let the message of Christ fill my life?
9. Do I teach and counsel His wisdom to others consistently?
10. Do I sing to God with a thankful heart?
11. Is everything I do or say predicated on being a representative of the Lord Jesus?
12. Does Jesus still love me?

PS. The answer to #12 is definitive, absolute YES! (see here)

# days sober = 5

Job

No sooner had I decided I really need to stay at my current job....then more stuff comes down about the limited space we are being allocated. Ugh.

But even if they give us too little space, I guess I need to stay long enough to get my temper under control and my program moved forward.

I have a meeting tomorrow where I really need to keep my emotions and my tongue in check. I need to pray about that.

# days sober = 3

S.A.D.

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, it is a seasonally induced depression related to lower levels of sunlight. If yesterday was any indication....this winter is gonna be rough! I have no idea why I was so bummed yesterday (versus any other day) but it wasn't good.

It was a long weekend, worked outside all day both days. That was enjoyable, but it really wore me out. I have yet to really move forward on my personal stuff since the big revelations of last week. I have a phone interview for a job this afternoon, not sure that I'm leaving my current job, but it's always nice to keep your options open.

I'm struggling with loneliness, but I can't be around people 24/7 because that is just a cover to not deal with my issues. At some point I am going to have to learn how to be "ok" with myself.

# of days sober = 2

Don't get me started

Things at work are crazy, my apartment is still a mess, and I'm behind on more things than I am ahead....including sleep.

This really is not a fun spot to be in, but it is what it is. I can be thankful that I have a place to live, a job to work, and friends who care...the rest is outside of my control. And I'm still sober, I don't feel great, but that is to be expected at this stage.

I need to keep it simple and focus on the things I have some control over, the rest...meh.

I need to be thankful for today.

# days sober = 4

Music

I had a very strange experience this morning, I was driving back from Madison and listening to music (no surprise there), but I have needed 3 songs to go with 3 DVD photo presentation I haev been commissioned to make of photos I took this summer.

I had been drawing a total blank for what songs to use....this morning all three played out in the space of 15 minutes. These are songs I know and have listened to (even recently), but somethign about today....I literally saw the pictures scrolling thru my head as the music played.

Free - Shawn McDonald
Into the Day - Bebo Norman
Peace be Still - Rush of Fools

I just need to see if I can get them to work in the DVD.....I got them all from I-Tunes, so I may need to find a DRM-free version...but that it the least of my worries. I am amazed at how the songs seemed to be 'given' to me at that moment.

Strange days....

# days sober = 3

Good Grief

I didn't know there even was such a thing as good grief. But I think I'm experiencing it.

I had been holding some really painful stuff inside for a long time, and I finally let it out. That, unfortunately, is not the end of the situtation...it's really just the beginning. But one of the emotions I have started to experience is grief. Once the major fear and anxiety started to abate, the grief seems to be the primary emotion that I'm feeling. It really feels pretty similar to the feelings I had when I learned that my grandma had died.

In that moment, everything changes. What was, no longer is, and now a whole new reality is laid out before you. I can wish that it would go back to being like it was, but that won't happen. So now I need to operate under the new reality. I can't go back and change the past, I could hope that it is different...but it isn't, this is my reality. I've used lust and my addictive behaviours to run from reality for a long time.

So here I am, experienceing the raw emotions of life. It sometimes feels like a 600 pound gorilla is sitting on my chest, but that feeling will pass.

# days sober = 2

Flight 410 to Nineveh....boarding @ Gate 15

Remember the ancient city of Nineveh? Crazy thing is...Nineveh still exists (this is a satellite image of it). God has asked a few people in the past to go to Nineveh, one notable fellow was named Jonah. God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh for Him. Jonah told God that he would go lots of places....just not Nineveh.

"No way! I am not going there! I will do lots of things, I've already plans to go to some other countries for You, I've given up stuff (sorta). I don't think I need to go to Nineveh. I'm sure we can work around this." Sure we can.....but it's gonna get mighty dark and fishy before it's all over.

I have spent countless hours in the past year trying to figure a road to Recovery that doesn't go thru Nineveh. I have looked at the guidebooks, I have consulted guidebooks, satellite photos, topographic maps, even Google Earth!!!! Apparently (for me) the only road from Here to There - goes straight thru Nineveh.

I know this sounds glib and even a bit tongue in cheek...but its not. Nineveh is dangerous, over the years I have gone to great lengths to avoid Nineveh. But now I have come to see there is no other way, the cost to avoid Nineveh is too great...I would have to abandon Recovery as a destination.

So I have booked a ticket, I'm just waiting on a final departure time. Nineveh is not the final destination, but it is definitely a necessary stop along the way.

And like Jonah, my fate is entirely in God's hand. It always was...I'm just getting around to agreeing with Him. I can't keep running. I have to face my fears in Nineveh, then we can move on. God, please keep me safe on the way thru Nineveh.

Does Walmart sell Empathy?

So I spoke with my counselor last night.....

He thought the survey from work was great. He didn't think it was worded too badly either.

What?!??!!?!?!!???

Well...it goes like this. The questions on the survey (that I don’t' like) all deal with areas that I am admittedly deficient in. So my anger at the survey is based mostly in my reaction to the shame it causes me to feel. And the survey could possibly represent the first hint of real accountability in these areas (at work) for me. (It's okay to tell me what I "should" do; I'll even nod my head a lot in agreement, but don't make me do something about it)

And the thing I lack, the most, is empathy. At least for those poor souls who call the Helpdesk and get me. I do have empathy for alot of people in my life. And I have past examples where I have shown good empathy, but in this area, to these people....I apparently have none. So when the going gets tough, I'm stressed, calls are rolling in....I react like a caged lion to any perceived threat to my esteem. I think I'm over-worked, under-appreciated....isn't that the definition of a Nurse???(I'm not really overworked or under-appreciated) So I need to alter my expectations. They are Nurses and Doctors, or even Secretaries....but they know NOTHING about computers. I have to accept that they will call; unhappy, frustrated, and in dire need of a fix. Everyone who goes to the Emergency room believes they need service NOW, otherwise they wouldn't be there. I have to view the Helpdesk (especially phone calls) as the Emergency Room of computing and have empathy for everyone that comes thru the door.

So, it's Friday....here goes....oh wait I think I see Empathy in Aisle 7.

I'll let you know how it goes :)

Survey says!!

A Survey was distributed on Wednesday afternoon, via mass email at work. Unlike an episode of Family Feud, this survey wasn't fun to see. It was from the CFO who is my Boss'es Boss. I have included the questions so you can get a feel for why I feel that things here are not very stable, adn why it irked me ALOT.

I can reach the IT dept when I need them.
When IT is not available, they get back to me in a timely fashion.
There is adequate back up and cross training among IT staff in order to provide me with an appropriate level of immediate service in emergency situations
I am satisfied with the speed of my computer when using the internet.
I am satisfied with the speed of my computer when using different applications (Word, Excel, Outlook , etc)
The IT dept has a "can do" attitude when it comes to solving problems.
During interactions with IT personnel, I am treated with respect.
The IT dept is approachable and interested in helping me as a fellow team member
I understand when to ask for a ticket to be opened for my IT issue.
The IT dept actively listens to my issues and understands the implications of the problem from my perspective.
The IT dept gets me answers on a timely basis
The answers provided to my questions are accurate and fix the problem.
The IT department provides instructions to me that are easy to understand.
The IT dept is good at getting back to me with updates and deadlines on projects that are longer in duration.
Overall, I am satisfied with the service provided by the IT dept.

Each of the questions is answered with a
Strongly Agree, Agree, Neutral, Disagree, Strongly Disagree.

Each section have a Feedback/Comments field at the end of it. Labeled "How can we improve in this area?"

So I'm not sure if this was a misguided attempt to try to get us more staff, or just a way to take potshots at the IT department.

Check your priorities at the door, please...

I recently found this list of questions on Crosswalk. I didn't copy the exact link, sorry.

We are often asked to "check" our ego's at the door, meaning don't bring them into the situation or meeting to adversely affect the procedings. But I think the act of "checking my priorities" at the door is a practice I need to adopt. In this case, my priorities in life are supposed to follow me thru whatever 'door' I'm going thru. But in passing the door, it seems a logical time to assess why am I here? How does where I'm at today line up with my stated priorities? How does whatever I'm planning help or hinder my pursuit of these priorities.

Ask yourself these questions to check your priorities:
“What is my mission in life?”,
“Why do I do this kind of work?”,
“Where is my focus these days?”,
“What are my long-term goals?”,
“What are the important things in life to me?”,
“Who are the three people to whom I am closest?”,
“Are my relationships characterized more by giving or by getting?”,
“Are my relationships characterized by love?”,
“Who would I like to get to know better in the next six months?”,
“To whom am I accountable?”,
“Do I set aside a regular time and place for reflection?”,
“What does quietness look like in my life?”, “
What is the most common roadblock that keeps me from a regular time of quietness?”,
“How might keeping a journal help me to achieve more balance?” and
“What qualities would I most like to possess?”.

It seems like a pretty heady list, but I think the answers could prove very informative. Now I just need to take the time to honestly answer the questions...maybe share them with someone? (or vice versa)

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I came across an article on Crosswalk.com entitled "Anxiety is a Thief". I found this particular quote in it that I really liked.

In an article titled “Getting to the Heart of Your Worry” published in the
Journal of Biblical Counseling, Robert Jones writes: “Your worry is a sign that
in some way you are trusting in yourself, that you are building your life on
things or people other than Jesus. Your anxiety is an automatic indicator of a
heart that is not fully following the Lord but is temporarily following something
else. . . . To worry is to deny—in practical ways—God’s power, wisdom, and love
for you in your situation. To worry is to forget the full implications of your
identity as one of God’s chosen, adopted, and deeply loved children.”

I really struggle with worry, I worry about everything. Anyone who knows me, knows this. This robs me of my ability to just accpet and enjoy life as it comes, I also see how this is related to an incomplete and/or inaccurate view of God and his omniscience. I also see how this retards my growth into new areas of my life, or even physically overcoming fears while I am climbing.

Seeing God as my loving Father who cares enough to supply ALL my needs, and developing that trust in the idea that He is goign to fulfill that promise...that I think is the antidote for my worry. And the realiztion that even if I die climbing...at least I'll have a good story to tell for the first hundred years or so!!!!

Secondhand Sex

"We have what I call secondhand sex -- it's all over in the media and it's so ubiquitous, it's everywhere, we don't even notice it," Luce said. "It's like when you go into a dark room and your eyes can't see but then they adjust. Well, we've gotten used to the dark. We think it's normal like this. -Ron Luce
(as quoted by Nightline)

I was struck by this quote, even though I've known the concept for a long time. For me it's not just media, it's everywhere. My lust-radar is always looking for that next bit of lust-able material; visual, mental, verbal, tactile, olfactory. Doesn't matter, my lust will bend it to serve it's own purposes - given half the chance. But knowing this I have to recognize that when I'm out and about in the world, that I am not in a 'safe' place and I could be confronted with things at any moment in time that challenge my sobriety.

I need to be cognizent of the messages that the world is trying to sell me, and I need to have my responses memorized and ready to challenge them as they come into my brain.

So I might not be having sex - firsthand...but how many times do I permit myself to have 'second-hand sex'?

30 Days

Well, today is my 30th day of sobriety. I have been working program and recovery related items for the past year (I can't beleive it's a year). And today is the first time I have had 30 continuous days of sobriety in a row. This is only possible thru the power and grace of God. Notwithstanding all the people and resources He has placed in my life to facilitate this process.

I really expected to wake up today and hear the birds singing, the sun would be shining, doves would fly off my balcony...in truth, it's raining, I got woke up early by work related issues, and today looks like it will just like any other day.

And there's no magic in the 30th day where suddenly I don't feel tempted to Lust, or that the people, places, and things I have lusted over in the past no longer have a hold on me. But that is reality, and reality is never as good as fantasy...just a whole lot more sustainable.

So, I'm not unhappy with my 30th day of Sobriety. I'm just coming to see the reality of it. I might have wished for more...but this is what it is. Thank God that He has brought me this far, and I need to trust that He has plans to bring me much, much farther.

Thank you to those of you who have been faithfully sharing this journey with me.

Resurrection...The Day After

It occurred to me today that while I call myself a Christian, and I speak of the resurrection of Jesus as a settled fact within the framework of my beliefs...do I live differently today because of that?

For the most part; yes...but no. Do I do life in such a way that people are drawn to Christ? I can speak about Christ, but how many people come up to me and say you have qualities and aspects about your life that I want to have, what's your secret?

The answer? No one. At least not anyone in my "regular" life. I realize that I live a very meager existence as a Christian. I live on the fringes of joy, clinging desperately to little shreds of hope. Instead of living confident in the completed work of Christ on the cross.

This is not all bad, in the sense that no one lives the "life" perfectly. And that I have years to grow and learn more about Christ and how to relate to him in an ever deepening and more personal way. But I also have to realize the part that past sins (and some current ones) play in undermining the hope and confidence that God desires for His children to have.

So what do I do with this knowledge? I need to find concrete ways to put it in practice. How I respond to people at work is the only way that they know me...and my brusque responses are not winning me any popularity contests. I have look at how I view my current struggles, and I am defeated and forlorn, or should I seek to be more encouraged by God's persistence with me.

I was reminded this weekend that my internal beliefs have little value unless they become external attitudes and actions that bring honor and glory to Christ's name. I saw a commercial that indicated "....apparently execution does account for something". Also in James, it talks about faith without deeds being dead, so action (for me) is the working out of what I know into the realm of what I do.

But I need to be really careful, lest what I do become a smoke-screen for what I don't know.

Anger

Wow, I am feeling pretty bummed right now.

I am frustrated over a laptop thing at work, I am really mad about a stupid copier my boss agreed to install to pacify a user. We make decisions around here for all the wrong reasons.

I am mad about all the things I can't control. I am mad about the mess both figurativily and physically I find myself sitting in the middle of.

I am mad when I wake up, I am mad when I goto bed. I am mad that I feel this way. I hate my job today, I hate the fact that I need it more than they need me.

I am mad that back still hurts, I am frustrated at my lack of consistency to implement the exercises that might make a difference. I hate where I'm at, but I fail to move to be someplace else.

I want someone to take care of me, then I resent the idea that I am so helpless as to be unable take care of myself.

Let's face it, I'm just mad...and that is just maddening.

Shame on me

I try to surrender, I try to change, but I'm still stuck with these feelings about who I am. I have asked forgiviness for the things I've done, but how am I forgiven for what I am?

I think the problem is my definition of who I am. But I have been asked to look into this idea of what is shame, so as to facilitate my relegation of the inordinate amounts of shame in my life to their proper place.

"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what did was not good; shame says I am no good." Bradshaw (1988).

With guilt, the response is a desire for atonement, to make amends, to correct a mistake, or heal a hurt.

With shame, there is just painful feelings of depression, alienation, self-doubt, loneliness, isolation, paranoia, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, inferiority, inadequacy, failure, helplessness, hopelessness, narcissism. "Shame is a sickness of the soul. It is the most poignant experience of the self by the self, whether felt in humiliation or cowardice, or in a sense of failure to cope successfully with a challenge. Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another." Kaufman (1996).

http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/guilt.html

I ran into this quote from a web article, it is something I need to ponder more. But it's something I need to ask God about. I seem to have several items that occur to me throughout the week that make me think, "Hmm, I have to remember to ask my counselor about that thought or feeling later" but yet I fail to have even a couple occurances of thinking, "Hmm, I really need to ask God what he thinks of that and what He might have me to do about it."

So, note to self; ask God about shame thing

Articles of Surrender

In firm understanding of my condition and having exhausted all other avenues and resources at my disposal, do agree to a total surrender to the High King of Heaven. This surrender contains specific provisions that the King has promised. He has paid for all past and future rebellious acts thru the willing sacrifice of His Son. He has agreed, upon my death, to take me to His home and accept me as an heir to the Kingdom. He has promised never to leave or forsake me, regardless of the quality my adherence to the terms of this surrender.

This unconditional surrender includes all of me, my heart, my life, my soul. Having previously pledged my life to Jesus, the Son of the High King; the remaining portions of my life, that I have tried unsuccessfully to manage myself, are now to be turned over to the control and care of the King.

All of my property, material possessions, associations, friendships, and future holdings are subject to the rule and control of the King. Control over the direction and pace of my life forthwith are to be carried out in consultation with the High Counselor (Holy Spirit) and the duly appointed representatives of the Kingdom placed in my life for support, counseling, guidance, oversight, and encouragement.

This surrender is a conscious act of my will; I understand that I will need to renew my pledge to surrender on a continual basis. I will also need to examine the hidden areas and motivations of my person in order to surrender those areas as well. Additional areas and motivations are to be surrendered as they are revealed.

As a public token of this agreement; a ring inscribed with the word surrender is to be worn on the right hand. This ring is to be a constant reminder of my position as a surrendered soul, and the price that was paid to obtain my surrender.

Surrender

Surrender. Not retreat, not "give up",
Unconditional surrender.

In war, you wonder about the character
of the one you are surrendering to.
Here, His character is evident.

Surrender. Not to being held captive,
He'll set me free

Surrender. Not to be forced out of my home,
but to move into the place He lives in

Surrender. Not to lose everything,
but to gain what is eternally important.

I surrender.