What am I worth?

I had a conversation with a friend and one of the elements he heard in what I was saying was about my worth. Am I worth anything? What makes me worth something? He said that I need to confront the negative messages I hear inside with the fact that I have worth.

The Bible tells us we have worth, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He died before we had a relationship with Him, so even that is not a measure of my worth. My worth is not even tied to my sobriety, I have the same worth sober or drunk....this is not to say that being sober doesn't matter, but it does not affect the reality of my worth. I have worth inherent in me irregardless of, unconnected to, or in spite of my thoughts, actions, deeds, mis-deeds, failures, successes, friends, relationship with Christ or any lack thereof. I have worth just because I was created by God.

So here goes...I have worth.

For additional insights, I found this article.

Depressed?

I have been feeling blue, actually I've been struggling with depression for years at some level. I ran into a reading from My Utmost for His Highest(feb7) where Chambers states that "If I am depressed or burdened, I am to blame, not God or anyone else. Dejection stems from one of two sources— I have either satisfied a lust or I have not had it satisfied." That is bascially the story of my life! He also pointed out a key fact about prayer, "Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer."

"We look for visions from heaven and for earth-shaking events to see God’s power. Even the fact that we are dejected is proof that we do this. Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him." I really see this at work in my life, I want a miracle...but find it a bother to do the daily mundane tasks that are close at hand, forgetting that its not all about the destination, the joy is in the journey.

This does not suddenly mean I will no longer be depressed, but it does show me that God is not to blame for my depression. My desires for things other than God or even the things of God (but I want them now) are to blame.

So the fix? Todays' Utmost for His Highest(sept13) is all about surrender. It isn't until I surrender my will and die to my own selfish desires that the warring within will cease and I will find peace and freedom in Him.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

That is a line from a David Crowder song that has been playing in my car for a while. And it really struck me, of course I want to goto Heaven, of course I want to follow Jesus, of course I want to live a christina life, and of course I want to be free from this addiction that threatens to overwhelm me at nearly every turn.

But do I? Am I willing to die? Am I willing to leave everything I know and say "Lord, your will, not mine."

Truth = I don't think so. I haev to look at how I really live my life and say "No, I'm not willing to die" I would hope that I was somewhat closer to that point, but I'm not there yet.

So where does that leave me? Outside of Heaven, cursing the day I thought that this might be for me? No, not if I beleive what the Bible says. But I do have a long way to go in laying down my pride and being humble enough to die. To myself, to my desires, temptations, and wild ideas of how to make it on my own. I need to decrease so that He may increase.

&%$#$@#

I don't know what to write, my mind is in such a jumble. I'm angry, hurt, mad, sad, defensive, offended, depressed, lonely, gggrrhrhhhaaawwhhhgggrhh.

I don't know if it because I have been confronted by a truth I'm not ready to accept or because of the way it was delivered, I'm just not sure.

But I know one thing, my little world has been rocked yet again and I'm in for a long, painful night. Will the shelling ever stop?

Lord help me to turn to You in all of this.

Media Fast

So today is an okay day, but I think I must've not paid my DISH bill recently because I think I have alot less channels available to me this morning!!! Like I only have the NASA education channel and one home shopping thing. Which made me think, hmmm, I'm not doing well at keeping up on my bills very well, but secondly...what if I don't NEED t.v.? I mean actually don't need t.v. That is a big step for me....t.v. is like my other roomate, it's just noise, but occasionally fun to have around. I always have the t.v. on, when I'm on the computer the t.v. is on, when i'm eating it's in front of the t.v., if I'm in the other room doing dishes...yep the t.v. is on. Thats a whole lot of t.v. and not a whole lot of quiet. I think it's the quiet that scares me. I am so afraid of being alone with myself, I'm not entirely sure why...I guess I'm afraid of actually having to 'feel' lonely. I know I am but if I'm distracted enough maybe I don't have to feel it.

So I'm considering a t.v. fast. I'm not sure for how long maybe 30 days, nor am I sure it needs to be a total blackout...just the fact that I don't have service to my house is good. I need to see how long I can keep my equipment and still restart service later. Someone out there is saying, "why not just not have cable anymore?". Those people must not live alone in Wisconsin in the winter! But if I can do this for some time to focus on the issues at hand and commit more time to reading instead of just being zoned out on the couch. I'll still have music, and I still have Internet so I can communicate with people and such.

So I'd appreciate your prayer regarding this, it seems like a small thing but I sorta think that it is just the start of peeling away the protective layers of noise and activity that I have tried to cover myself with.

The Mansion

I need to work on my personal time with God, it's almost like having a rich benefactor...I am willing to go and ask for help (I'm desperate) but I feel too ashamed to stay for dinner. He is willing to help me with the immediate needs but He laid out a place for me at the table, He wants to talk, there is a room upstairs prepared for me, I can stay. But I feel too ashamed, it's too nice, I feel too dirty in His presense to stay very long. So I leave and trudge along the cold lane, while He stands at the door and watches me, knowing He could help, knowing He has so much more to offer, and knowing He will not force me to stay.

When will I realize that I was born for this house? When will I learn that it's where I belong, not because of what I bring, but because I'm related to Him.

So I need to get back to that point were I'm comfortable just being in His presence, not ashamed, just understanding that He desires to do more than just meet my needs...He desires to be in relationship with me. Salvation is only the start of the relationship, grace makes the relationship possible, but if salvation and grace are the only two elements...then I'm really missing the best parts.

Losing my grip

24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Matt 16:24-26

I've not written for awhile, I've just been sorta rocked by some things that are happening. I really feel like I'm losing my grip on life, or at least what I've called "life" these past few years. I'm not the man I tried to convince myself that I was. My faith is much weaker than I thought possible. I've traded parts of me away in a horrible bargain of avoidance.

Pain, loneliness, unsatisfied, hungry, empty...is this what I'm trying to hold on to? I'm scared what the future will bring, why do I distrust so much?

A friend said to me "Romanticise Purity"(sp). I've obviously idolized the opposite. I need to trade in my life for one that God designed, one that works.

Lord, help me lose my grip.

Oh, what a night...

Well, I've really experienced a crazy night. Not all good things. I gave to the struggle this weekend, so that kinda resets the Sobriety counter, but even tho the defeats come, so do the lessons and the deepening conviction that this cannot be the way that the rest of life will be.

Today, I really let my mind wander at work, and where the mind goes, the Internet will follow, or vice versa. I don't access really objectionable material at work, but I do look at or read about alot of stuff that really doesn't improve my state of mind. Didn't help that today was a freakin stressfull day at work, and I wasn't in the best mood.

So I had intentions of indulging the release mechanism of choice after I got home. In a small side trip for normal supplies at Walgreens I tran into two former co-youth-leaders I knew. Conviction was building. I was at home and figured I needed to work on some Recovery material, it is convicting, difficult introspection that produces loads of guilt and a hint of titilation. Again teh desire to act out was pretty strong. And I sat there on the couch contemplating my fall...a good friend of mine called to ask me to pray for him, he was having a rough night.

Conviction is now on a rampage! I had to turn this over to God and pray for my friend, which in truth is always a prayer to make me even worthy to intercede on anyones behalf. And then I turned to another Recovery related book that just got delivered today. So after a bit of reading I decided I needed to practice a little reaching out of my own. I called my accountibility partner to just say this is how I feel and this is what God has been doing about it. It feels good to get it out, but it doesn't alleviate the pressure completely. And that's okay, I just need to learn to deal with that feeling, and know that I am going to be okay. This is still the white-knuckle phase of all this, I'm just groping around for anything that sounds good.

I feel a bit hemmed in on all sides, but in truth fences are for protection as much as containment. It's all in your perspective. Lord, thank you for being that hedge of protection around me, even when I am not sure that I want it.

Wishing that it wasn't

I have really struggled lately with identifying with my problem. No one wants to be called an addict of any kind, but sexual addiction seems to have an even more sinister rap. So while I need to be in Recovery, do I have to sound happy and excited about it? But if I am not happy that I'm recovering...then would I rather be stuck back in a time and place where I still hurt but didn't have a name for it, or a plan of action to follow that God has used to heal thousands of this same affliction?

I found myself wishing that I was sick with an infection, or pneumonia, or something...anything that they can jab a needle in your arm and fix while you lay there. Oh it might suck, and it will prolly hurt, but you just have to survive it. Struggling with an addiction is like being asked to do surgery on yourself. You have to look down and start cutting away at the infected parts, layer by painful layer. Even though the pain clouds your vision, you have to keep working, until it's too much...then you take a break (be gentle with yourself) and go back at it later. And every morning you have to get up and look for signs of new infection, you have to poke your fingers into all of the old wounds and see if it is getting better or worse. This is the life-long prospect of an addict. Sure, the further along in the recovery process you get, the less intense the work becomes (as I understand it), but the maintenance is still required, vigilance is a must. Thanks be to God who loves us and cares for us. If I had to do this (or consider it, since I am so new in the process) without God, oh boy, my heart trembles now, it would easily stop of its' own volition without a Saviour to trust.

Questions

How is it that i cling so lighty to His hand?
And trust so little in His mighty strength?
Are my wounds so great as to not be cured
by the Great Healer?
Is forgiveness's penetrating power nulified
by the fresh gloss of sin on my heart?
Or is it that my penchant for sin keeps me guessing
about the character of the One proven to be Faithful and True?


Could it be that I have come to like living in this fallen state?
Oh pray it is not so! My oft uttered prayers for release
are not answered in earthly time,
so I roam far and wide for a salve to my ease my soul.
But trust not in the Wisdom of the Ages.

How is it that prisoner set free from his cell
sneaks back into the cold darkness for comfort?
Is there an end to this madness?
Glimmers of hope and well-formed thought
seem tantalizingly close.
Yet elude the gnarled grasp of my ruined soul.
Strange to know that the Cure
is only a ragged, gasped, palid utterance away...
what is this fettered existence that keeps me
from claiming my birthright?

I am a child of the King. Need I ever live in fear?
In squallor? In Darkeness? Or even in Want?

No. Not anymore.

Walk with me

Lord, I'm struggling with some things, and I have some questions. I was hoping that you could shed some light on this. I've been pretty busy and I don't have alot of time before I need to get back to the stuff I'm supposed to be doing...if you could just simplify it for me...that would be great.

Speaking of time, my first issue is that I never seem to have enough time. I am always running late, the dishes are piled up, the laundry isn't done, my house is a mess, I'm tired, and I can't seem to ever get ahead. What do you recommend?

Walk with me...

Lord, I was thinking you could just give me an answer that I can use now, I really don't have the time to take a walk. Oh, don't get me wrong....I would love to take a walk with You. But I don't think I have time right now.

Ok, so maybe You can help me with this one...I'm having some problems at work, I lose my patience with people, I get easily distracted, and I have trouble focusing on what's important to the task at hand. Any suggestions?

Walk with me...

Lord, don't your understand my situation? I've been trying to fix these issues for a long time now and I have failed everytime to make any noticeable progess. But if I'm being honest, those issues are minor compared my addiction to lust. Lord, this has been eating me up inside for so long, I have sinned repeatedly, I have squandered the grace given to me, I have hurt and disappointed the people around me...I need to be healed from this, I've got nothing left. Can you help me?

Walk with me...

Walk with you? Isn't that what I've been trying to do since I was 17? I have failed miserably, honestly I don't think I can "walk with you"...I have developed a serious spiritual limp, I'm can't seem to bear full weight on my legs anymore!

Walk with me...

Lord...

Walk with me. You want answers, you want peace, you want healing, you want to be free from your addiction, then walk with Me.

And I think you are mistaken when you say you cannot walk. You have been walking all over the place, just not with Me. You seem to be able to drag yourself far enough to indulge your thirst for lust. You go the bookstore looking for answers, but not to My Word. You go to your friends house for fellowship and advice, but you don't come to me until you are overwhelmed. You get up in a hurry, you go to work in a hurry, you rush off to somewhere after work, then you come home and hurry to the couch. But when I ask you with walk with me, you drag your feet and make excuses.

You want an answer to your problem?
Walk with me...and we'll talk about it.

You need a release for the feelings that overwhelm you?
Walk with me...and I'll be there to take care of you when the pain starts.

You want a simple answer? Walk with me. How can I help you when you are everywhere but by my side? How do you expect to learn from me if we talk only once a week? You are worried about all the mundane details of life the you can't seem to manage on your own.

Walk with me, I know you're hurt, we'll go slow. One step at a time, step by step, we'll work thru this, trust me...

Come, walk with me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matt. 11:28-29

On Coasting...

coast : verb
To move without further use of propelling power.
To act or move
aimlessly or with little effort:

That pretty much defines my spiritual state in the past 7 to 10 days. I don't know when I did it, but I realized on Sunday that I had basically thrown the "car" out of gear and into nuetral. Not a drastic change in direction, not stepping on the brakes, but just easy it out of gear so as to not reach the intended destination as fast as it was approaching. This relates mainly to my internal struggles with lust, every time I turn around its a new temptation or an opportunity to indulge in lustful thoughts/actions. I think I just got tired of fighting, and so I just slipped it into nuetral. I figure no one would notice for a while...the engine still sounds like its running, the car is still moving, I haven't applied the brakes or made any sudden changes of direction. I'm just coasting for a bit.

The problem with coasting is that I can only go so far on this momentum, the friction of normal life eventually overcomes the spiritual momentum that I think I've built up. And much like a car without power on the freeway, its only a matter of time before I slow down enough to become a danger to those coming up behind me, unaware that I'm just coasting.

It also appears to me to be a form of passive-aggressive spirituality. I am not saying "no" to God in a verbalized action sense, I'm just not saying "yes" with my foot on the gas pedal. So I have the intention of driving in the correct direction but I do not have the proper "drive" behind it. I've verbalized my support for the idea, but I'm unwilling to spend my gas money to see it happen.

In the sermon I listened to this past sunday, the pastor was stating how God defines obedience as 100 percent of what He asked of us. Saul destroyed 90 percent of the captured animals and spoils, but kept the best animals alive. When Samuel asked him what he was doing, Saul tried to be deceptive. But Samuel said, "What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears? What is this lowing of cattle that I hear?" But Samuel replied: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams."

I'm in the car, pointed in the right direction, I'm even on the right road...I just don't have the engine fully engaged. And that is disobedience in God's eyes....Saul got himself thrown out as King for it. I cannot kid myself that coasting doesn't have it consequences, I just don't know when that is going to sink in.

What I wanna be when I grow up...

What do I want to be when I grow up? That question is a little bit more painful this week....I turned 34 on Monday. And I've been sorta looking at my life, single, never married, have a good job, I play outside doing trips, climbing, camping, canoeing....I don't have a bad life.

But what am I gonna do when I grow up? There are several reasons I feel that I haven't yet "grown up". One I haven't gotten married and settled down, I still haven't finished an official college degree, and I haven't bought a house. All these things that I looked at in my younger years as signs that I would have arrived at the "grown up" stage.

But there are other more sinister signs of my immaturity....I struggle with simple obedience to Christ. Daily spiritual disciplines are a chore. And this area of lustful addictions, that doesn't rank high on my list of growth areas. I'm still in the same rut I fell into when I was 16-17 years old.

All is not lost...God has a plan, and with each passing year I need to make more effort to discern that plan and ask Him for the strength to follow it. I want to be able to look back a year from now and see 34 as a turning point, a year that God used to prepare me for the rest of the years I have left on this spinning rock.

Sodom and Gomorrah

I'm sure there were a few people who lived in Sodom that thought to themselves, "My, how progressive of me to be able to live in this city! I think the architecture is just wonderful, and the theater district....they do such avante garde productions, the open aire markets...it's just like all the other cities isn't it?" Sodom and Gomorrah don't have a very good reputation in biblical history, or regular history for that matter. Genesis 18 and 19

But I can see where people could get sucked in...I mean every place has is darker side...doesn't it? There is always something "less than acceptable" in a city of any size..right? Not according to God, he didn't even find 10 righteous men there to spare the city.

But Lot, who lived there, raised a family there, he knew what the city was like...and he stayed. Why? When the angels told him to flee to the mountains (a common place of refuge, and often where it is said the Lord dwells) he said he couldn't go that far...hmm sound familiar. God says you can't stay here, its not safe for you. But I say Lord, I can't go that far, I'll surely be destroyed! Lot didn't want to leave everything he knew, he knew the city was doomed, but maybe he could just hang around a few cities away....not as bad as Sodom, but I'm sure that Zoar was not a shining city of God. It was too close to Sodom to not be under the influence.

Lots' wife looked back, she wasn't able to fully reject ALL that Sodom represented. So in the end her fate was tied with Sodom.

Am I able to reject ALL that the Sodom of my mind has represented? Have I built my own godless city with parks, and festivals, history, and beautiful architecture? Am I willing to flee to the mountains and take refuge? Or am I hoping to just move a couple cities away...away, but close enough to still look over the hill and see what it used to be? Do I remember my walks in the parks of Sodom with holy disappointment that I was even there, or do I miss the festivals like one longs for an old occasion to be repeated someday? Maybe not live there...but at least go for a visit?

I need to leave my Sodom and Gomorrah and run for the hills...never to look back. Anything from the old city needs to be burned...pictures, memories, phone numbers, addresses, special occasions, dates, friendships...anything that belongs to that city - destroyed. And who did the burning? Yup, fire from Heaven....INCOMING!!!!!!! Burn, Baby, Burn!!!

Headed for the Hills...

God, I hurt...and I need You.

I recently was confronted with some issues from my past. Things that I thought were pretty far gone but have up again. It was tough to hear and even tougher to wonder how to deal with it.

I was pretty emotional and was one of the hardest nights I've had in a long time. I was unable to sleep more than 20 minutes before I would wake up in a sweat. I tried a different approach than my normal self-gratifying release. I actually decided to pray about it! Sounds silly after being a Christian this long...but anyway. I had to pray that God would ease the tension in my stomach and calm the fear in my heart so I could at least fall asleep, and He did. Then I would wake up 20 minutes later, all in a sweat, and I'd have to pray and give it up to God again, basically it went on like this all night. I didn't really eat anything Friday...I was (and still am) pretty emotionally charged over this.

But that night taught me that I can trust God for my emotional needs...of course we know this in our heads, but in my practice I was takign care of my own emotional needs and asking God only for less temptation or for more physical, tangible things. It seems so rudimentary that I would trust God for this, but in the twisted grip of sin our thinking becomes warped. Or at least mine has.

So I've learned a new prayer to utter in moments of emotional desparation, "God, I hurt...and I need You!"

The proper way to say "I'm sorry"

In my SCF devotional for today they had tons of quotes from Charles Spurgeon. But the one that really struck me was about Repentance, and not the "I'm sorry for getting caught" kind of repentance. I realized how much more Spurgeon I should be reading, maybe that would make it easier to quote him then the latest rowdy story I just heard.

True repentance has a distinct and constant reference to the Lord Jesus Christ. If you repent of sin without looking to Christ, away with your repentance. If you are so lamenting your sin as to forget the Savior, you have a need to begin all this work over again. Whenever we repent of sin, we must have one eye upon sin and another upon the cross; or, better still, let us have both eyes upon Christ, seeing our sin punished in him, and by no means let us look at sin except as we look at Jesus. A man may hate sin just as a murderer hates the gallows but this does not prove repentance if I hate sin because of the punishment, I have not repented of sin; I merely regret that God is just. But if I can see sin as an offense against Jesus Christ, and loathe myself because I have wounded him, then I have a true brokenness of heart. If I see the Savior and believe that those thorns upon his head were put there by my sinful words; if I believe that those wounds in his heart were pierced by my heart-sins; if I believe that those wounds in his feet were made by my wandering steps, and that the wounds in his hands were made by my sinful deeds, then I repent after a right fashion. Only under the cross can you repent. Repentance elsewhere is remorse, which clings to the sin and only dreads the punishment. Let us then seek, under God, to have a hatred of sin caused by a site of Christ's love.

Charles Spurgeon

I think I have spent alot of time regretting that God is just...but not enough time regretting the things I just did, and how that affects my relationship with Him.

Oh for the Love of God!!!!

That phrase still gets used in response to the sheer stupidity of another person, I seem to take it's meaning to be "Oh man the only reason you aren't dead yet is because God loves you, or if it weren't for the Love of God that restrains me, I'd prolly kill you myself!" But truly the phrase has so much more meaning than that. This post is a response to a hymn that I was reminded of in a daily devotion on the SCF website. I heard this hymn for the first time years ago at Eastbrook, it is one of Marc Ericsons' (Senior pastor) favorite hymns, for a few reasons...his sister (if I remember correctly) was ill and the treatment or the disease was going to take away her beautiful voice. She recorded several of her favorite hymns on a tape to play later for her children...this was one of them. Also the author of the hymn wrote that he found the third verse written on the cell wall of an old patient in an insane asylum after they carried him out to be buried, the lines are part of an old Jewish poem, but were thought to have been scribbled there by the patient in a rare moment of lucidity. Frederick Lehman then penned the other two verses of the song preceding the third stanza.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Refrain

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

1917, Fred­er­ick Leh­man

That these words were so important and moving to these people in the moments of darkest trial...gives me pause to wonder why more of my time is not spent dwelling on these things. But for today my heart has been lifted by these words. Click here if want to hear this song.

Un-flap-able

My struggle right now is, I seem to have little or no motivation to actually follow after what is right. Well intentioned people suggest that you "surrender" to God....and I understand the concept but the actual act of surrender, that is so much harder. It is harder because when you "give in" to lust you are giving in to a pressure that feels like the force of a million gallons of water against the dam, but to "surrender" to God is not like just letting the dam break, it is more of an active choice. You have to actually say "no" to the lust first and then you additionally have to say "yes" to God. And to find Him you have to search, pray, read, study - all those things are active....giving in to lust only requires that you not move towards those active things and eventually you will give in.

So I guess there is my answer, if I am not actively seeking out the things of God thru study, prayer, and fellowship...then I ultimately a sitting duck directly in the line of fire.

Except I just feel like I don't even have the strength to flap my wings, even a little...

Do I stay or do I go?

Well the idea of changing churches has gone thru my head more than a few times in the last couple months. I've spoken to couple of my good friends about the idea...and I'm still not sure. See the problem is that I don't feel connected to my current church. I went there because it was a close (geographically and theologically) substitute for my old church. Also I knew a few people so I thought that would decrease the time it took me to get integrated into the new church.

That hasn't happened. I've actually sat down and admitted my struggles with the associate pastor, the youth pastor (a friend of mine), and several men at a men's retreat this last Fall. And in each case I got some encouragement to "keep seeking after God" and "we all struggle like that, but God is working on you" but what I did not get was any consistent followup from anyone. For those who have dealt with sexual addicitions (counseling or having them) they know that isolation is one of the key parts of the issue, I really think I made an effort to be vunerable and transparent to these people in an attempt to bring myself into some sort of mentoring relationship that God could use in the healing and restoration process in my life.

So my question is, how long should I stay at this church (I'm going on 2 years)? It's not that I think its a bad church...but I guess I'm realizing that it may not be the best place for me right now. But if not there...then where? I'm at a total loss for how to look for a church, or to pick one, and how do I even know what I need? My church attendance hasn't been the most consistent hing in teh last 2 years....I miss at least one weekend a month for one reason or another, but sometimes its 2 or even 3 weeks that I miss. So no matter where I go, I need to go consistently in order to really get any benefit and truly evaluate the church or even experience any sort of connectedness or interaction with the people there.

I struggle with this idea that the church, whatever church, isn't "doing it" for me. It really smacks of a consumerism mentality, a mentality that I have advised others to avoid because God seems most close and we feel most connected when we are part of serving others. But am I in a position to serve others? Do I need to admit that I am so broken that I need to be served while I struggle for sobriety? Part of me finds that distastefull too...I think I sound so "needy", so "emotional"....I don't know if thats bad of me just trying to be independant thru even this.

Does this sound completely off-base?

Homeless-ness

So I had this long, intense conversation with a buddy of mine last night, which referenced a conversation I had a few days earlier with another christian buddy of mine. In the first conversation we talked about a homeless man that they had stay in their house for a couple days. So last night I was discussing some of the struggles I am currently experiencing and I related the story about the homeless guy and how I think its great to help him out, but it is not exactly a "safe" ministry...people are homeless (longterm, sleep under cardboard kind of homeless) for only a few reasons.

I am not an expert in this field so I cannot tell you which came first teh chicken or the egg, but homeless people are more often than not afflicted with some sort of mental disease, defect, or condition that precludes their simple re-entry into mainstream society. In order to re-integrate them you have to deal with their mental issues or they will just end up back under the stars, the only life they feel like they know and have control of.

The remaining portion of the homeless are homeless by choice. This seemslike a harsh statement, not withstanding the uncontrollable circumstances that probably put them in a homeless position, but long-term homelessness in an otherwise healthy individual is a choice. They have chosen to consider themselves a "homeless" person and have decided to pursue life under that premise. Their goal is not to invest all their time, energy, and resources into becomeing "not homeless" but to invest it in obtaining the meager possessions and limited amount of food that allow them to continue living but does not substantivly change their position in life.

All this preamble is not to hack on homeless people, more so I think it sheds some light on the position I find myself in. I am spiritually homeless, I have been living in the field under a tarp digging worms out of the ground...not because I was born for this, but because I have not invested all of my time, energy, and resources into returning the "city" I was born for. I have accepted a lifeless, powerless spiritual existance brought on by circumstances beyond my control. But I had (have) a choice, I found myself "homeless", no ministry, no connections, no spiritual walk and my first reaction was not to address the issues that precipitated my homelessness, it was to rant and rail about the injustice I felt. Not to correct the obvious deficiencies in my spiritual condition (by turning towards Jesus for forgiviness and healing).

So, not unlike a homeless guy, I find myself almost looking with contempt at all those people in their nice, warm houses; I see myself with a hint of bitterness, jealous of those who are not homeless. The "connected" ones who have a spiritual life and walk with Christ that gives them a home.

It's a choice, the door is open...why am I still homeless?

So why am I doing this again?

That question can be taken several ways, but the way that it struck my on my commute between a couple of our offices today was...why am I doing this? The idea of purity, denying myself, puttign my whole life in submission to Christ and his purpose. Am I doing it to please others? Because I enjoyed working with youth and I think that by straightening my life out I can go back to it and be happy again? Is it to conform to the ideals I've said I beleived for all these years? Is it to preserve the few remaining christian friendships I have (knowing that they would be dissapointed if I just gave up and wacked myself into oblivion)?

Why am I doing this? Is it really because I desire to know God and be known to Him in an intimate way that affects the very core of my being and as a collateral effect, influences those around me...spurring them on to "love and good deeds"? If that is not my sole reason for doing this...I could be in real trouble.

Weekend Summary

Well, the pattern for indulging on the weekends is still holding true. I attempted to satiate my lusts on Friday night and Sunday night. Even tho I was gone out of the house with people for almost the entire weekend.

I had a conversation on Saturday with a friend, we were discussing the idea of contentment and how that affects our desire to seek out other things to "fill in the gaps". I so realize that I am ultimately saying I am not content with the life that God has given me, or I am not content with just God, I need something more to make me happy.

I did go to church for the first time in about 4 weeks. It was good, but it felt a little weird. We were singing a song "Annointed One"

Jesus, Jesus,
Holy and Anointed One, Jesus.
Your Name is like honey on my lips,
Your Spirit like water to my soul,
Your Word is a lamp unto my feet,
Jesus, I love you, I love you.

One of the things that hit me while we were singing, is how rarely I hear myself using the name of Jesus. I seem to be alot more comfortable relating to the name God rather than Jesus. But during the song it almost felt like I was calling his name asking him to come find me, I'm lost. Which is also true. Sundays sermon was all about submission, something I seem to not practice very much. One of the definitions he gave about submission was "a recognition of our responsibilites inherent in an appropriate relationship" so who the relationship is with determines whats appropriate. (ie my boss, my pastor, or God) But I realize how much of the friendship that I used to enjoy with Jesus is gone, I have let that relationship grow cold thru dis-use. And any awkwardness at re-kindling it is only in my head, he is always willing.

Friday doesn't come soon enough

Well, its Friday. Last nights Pure Life was interesting. One of the guys gave a detailed accounting of how his sexual addiction progressed and evolved in his life. It was a thorough examination of the actions, causes, contributing factors, and a listing of those he hurt thru his actions. I started to think what my story would look like if I decided (or was even willing) to write it down. But its not just about people I've done stuff with, its about all the people you do stuff with in your mind....and then that conversation that they thought was innocent, but you knew in your mind was crafted just to satisfy your fantasy. Or all those "opportune moments" where you should've turned your head, but didn't. And even if it didn't occur to you then, you added that image to your catalog of images, stories, thoughts, and actions that I use to kickstart the process of acting upon the lust.

He also made mention of the final days of his addiction, and how after getting caught in yet another compromising situation, how God brought him to a place where he never acted out again. Sober. Free. Pure. It doesn't happen overnite, but the hope that a day like that exists in my life, wow, the question is...how do I get to the spot where I'm done with this, but not have to lose my job, my car, my apartment, my freedom, have a record, be on parole...where is my rock-bottom? How do I get to the end of myself without destroying my life in the process?

I also struggle with the fact the some of the issues I struggle with are relational, intimacy type issues. And the very types of people that I need to develop healthy relationships with also provide some of the most intense triggers to my sinful behaviour. It is not unlike someone with a food addiction, you can't just not eat, you have to learn balance and whats appropriate interaction with the food. I can't just not be with people, that withdrawel is deadly for me, but I need to be able to be with people without it driving me to act out more.

Its almost like the problem is the cure.

Further from the edge, no closer to home

Well, all in all, I would have to say this hasn't been a bad week as it relates to the struggle with lust. I think the last time I looked at porn was Saturday, and as far as I'm concerned, that is the biggest issue right now. I'm concerned about all of it....but the murderer who thinks abotu killing people should be happy to count a week where no one died! Now can that same murder expect to be able to fantasize about killing people for hours on end adn not beleive that it will result in a real action sooner or later? No, he can't.

So even tho it was a mildly successfull week...I'm still no closer to home. It wasn't successful becuase I laid all my cares at the foot of the cross. It wasn't successful because I commited myself to prayer. It wasn't even because I had such a great time of worship at church (or anywhere else for that matter). I don't know why this week was better, except to say that God loves his children, even the wayward ones and it is by His grace and patience alone that my week was not a complete train-wreck.

Now comes the tough part, it seems like after I goto the Pure Life bible study, or just the fact that it is the "weekend" I really seem to give in pretty easily, almost like I think I deserve it...I was good ALLLL week. Not a valid excuse, but I am just stating what seems to be happening.

So tonight is Pure Life and tomorrow , idk...but I think I'll see what some friends might be up to.

Evaluations

Specifically my yearly eval at work. I survived another one. But it kinda brings up the point of evaluating my life in light of the job I'm supposed to be doing. That is developing a deeper relationship with God, serving Him with all my mind, heart, and might. How would I rate myself on that level...a 1 (scale 1 to 5, 5 being the highest)

I am not really sure I even deserve a 1, but its as low as the scale goes. There are so many things that need improvement. I am so consumed with this issue of lust, either I am consumed with acting on it, or I am consumed with trying to fix it. But either way, it's almost all I think about, judge my worth by, and check my progress against. And since I haven't made any real progress in 10 years, I guess we have to assume that I'm not doing well in that area.

So if I had gotten a 1 on my employee review today, there would have been specific items and actions that I would need to have corrected in a 30 or 60 day time-period, or I would face dismissal. Thankfully, God is not in the business of dimissing Christians from the Kingdom for "non-performance". But does that mean that He doesn't have specific actions and items for me to correct or work on in the next 30 to 60 days? Definitely not, I think He has exact plans for me, I just need to seek them out. A website was brought to my attention on Thursday night, they have 60 day, web-based programs that are designed for the one caught in the midst of sexual struggles. A crash-course, as it were, in rebuilding a relationship with God and restoring a right perspective on your world. I think that might be a good idea, I think it would be good for me to try it and see.

Progress?

Progess...not likely. I indulged myself last night in my favorite pastimes of lust, porn, and self-gratification. It sounds so awful when you say it, but it's totally appealing to me when its happening.

Tonight is the Pure Life bible-study. I don't want to go. I don't want to go because when i go ther eI want to be one of the successful ones, someone who is making progress. And that...I am not. Just so you don't pick up the phone to yell at me just yet...I'm going....I just don't "want" to go. But I know it's the right thing to do, regardless of how I feel.

I have no life at home except to sit on the couch wathcing tv, playing a computer game, or indulging my addictions. I have not been doing wash, dishes, dealing with the mold in my bedroom, sorting, organizing, cleaning effectively at all. I am either not at home until late, or otherwise engaged so I don't have to deal with it. This is really not a healthy way of dealing....nor am I really turning to God or the Bible for help. I just sit. Not good.

So where does the motivation come to get up off the couch?

2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b]
5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?" 7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."
8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."
9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. John 5:2-9

So it's pretty clear that Jesus has compassion on this man who is paralyzed by his infirmity, whatever it is, and heals him. But what about me? I'm not unable to go the well, I am just unwilling...but do I really have a choice...is this thing so ingrained in me that I have no will left to deny it? That can't be true.

but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Romans 7:23-25

But how? What are the individual steps that I need to take to become a slave to righteousness? Submit....but what does that look like when all you see is Lust? Obey...when I haven't submitted myself in obedience in more years than I can accurately remember?

Where did my Faith go... I seem to have misplaced it somewhere...

Damage Control

So even tho I had a great weekend, spent doing fun things with a close friend of mine, I still decided to delve into the underbelly of the internet to feed my lust on Monday night. So even tho I'm connected to people in signifigant ways...I still seem to revert to this defective mode of satisfying these urges, which seems to say to me that even tho I have elements in place in my life to fulfill my basic needs of love and acceptance....I am not recognizing (internally) that those are sufficient. God says, "My grace is sufficient for you". But I'm showing that I don't beleive that.

So the "damage control" portion of this is that I have installed Convenant Eyes (an internet accountibility tool) on my work laptop. That way all of the major portals I have to the Internet are monitored equally. Because while I may not look at porn at work, I know that I look up questionable sites that are, topically, arousing to me. So if I'm serious about no longer being dependant on lust to ease to passage of my life, then this is what I need to do.

I have also really come to recognize how much I don't like my physical self. I look at pictures of me or see my reflection and it doesn't match up with the me I think I am. This is one of the root issues in what I lust about, I really look at other people and see the attractive bodies, knowing that I am not that...this inadequacy really fuels the worthless feeling that seems to preceed the fall into lust/porn/masturbation.

No Control

Well, I'm learning what little control over life we really have....actually I probably knew that fact before, I was just reminded of it again in an "in your face" sort of way!

I was flying standby this weekend to visit a friend. I got bumped from 3 flights on Friday, Saturday was delayed almost 3 and a half hours. And now its Monday, I've been in the airport for 8 hours, missed 2 flights (bumped again) and the last flight out leaves at 10:10pm tonight.

This also flies in the face of my AARP (Advanced Anal Retentive Planner) Certifications and I really thought that it might give me an ulcer before I got home. But its good for me to see what little control I have other these things.

Too Busy

That is my excuse for everything....I'm too busy. I'm too busy sitting on the couch to clean up the dishes, I'm too busy trying to be out of the house climbing or whatever to really get my chores done....or better yet, I'm too busy doing all those other things to really sit down and work on this struggle that I have and work on my relationship with God.

So today I'm too busy getting ready to leave town, and next week I'll be too busy getting unpacked after coming home. It's a cycle that I let happen because it provides a convenient excuse for me to not do anything.

I am going to be gone all weekend and where I'm going there will be plenty of opportunity for 'coarse talk' and more than a little innuendo. I'm not worried about the porn so much, but I need to worry about the thoughts too.

The Dance

I met her when I was about 12. Hadn’t seen her around school before, but that was okay, she just seemed to naturally blend in. Our acquaintance was an odd one. We conversed in hushed tones and at odd times. I had a feeling that she talked the same way to a lot of the other boys, but they rarely mentioned her. It was almost as if she was invisible. Jr High came and went our relationship continued, although it did seem as if we were spending any more time together than before. At first she would come by only when I was especially lonely or bored. In times of stress, I could be sure that she would be there. She didn’t seem to expect much of me, I was pretty sure the relationship was one-sided, it didn’t seem to matter to either of us. I was 16 now, I thought that I would’ve moved on, found someone else…. Oh there had been others, but I always found myself going back to her, maybe even seeing her at the same time.

Speaking of time, I don’t know when it happened but one day I realized that she was pretty much always with me. I’d fall asleep to her voice, sometimes hear her calling in the morning or during study hall, sharing space in the hallway between classes with her, she’d be there waiting when I got home. So eventually I came to accept that she would be there, not so obvious that anyone else would know, but I knew. I tried to break it off a few times, each time ending in failure. I had become convinced I couldn’t live without her. And besides, we weren’t hurting anyone...at least that is what she said.

One time my senior year I was determined to avoid her for a whole month. How hard could that be, she certainly had others to entertain while I was gone, and I had lots of things to occupy my time with. For the first week I was miserable, I had no idea how much time we used to spend together. Now I needed to fill that time with other things. But what, nothing really seemed to compare to the time we spent with each other. Everything else seemed gray, lifeless. In the end, I simply gave up trying so hard to avoid her and within a few days we were back to our old habits, same as ever, I guess.

Then one night I saw her in my dream, actually I had been seeing her for awhile, I just never realized it was her that I was seeing. The dream was incredible. We were at some elegant gathering of only the most perfect people. Beautiful women danced with handsome men, I was numbered among the handsome, of course. We were in a huge Ballroom, with an orchestra playing in the corner. Everyone was with someone, dancing, talking, drinking wine, and having the time of his or her lives. Then from across the room I saw her. I don’t think she ever looked more radiant, but there was a sultry aire about her that I failed to note before. But I was noting it now! As she walked across the dance floor, I began to burn with feelings toward her. Feelings I remember having before, but not so overpowering. I was drawn to her and seemingly without effort we were together in each other’s arms, dancing. As we danced I noticed we were suddenly alone. The room seemed darker, more inviting, but less social, now more serious, intense. I knew I should slow down, be more careful. I wasn’t sure she was the only one I wanted to dance with. “Of course I’m the only one….”, she whispered to me. I missed a step, and struggled to recover…strangely her light embrace seemed to grow stronger as I stumbled. We danced for some time, I was getting weary, and I didn’t really want to dance anymore. But she seemed tireless, floating effortlessly in unending motion with the music. I asked her if we could take a break, she ignored me. I attempted to step back from her. With a strength that belied her graceful stature she drew me back into her embrace. Her arm that had before rested softly on my shoulder now seemed firmer, more confining. Her soft hand now gripped mine with a strength that struck fear into my soul. Her soft whispers of encouragement now became lower more insistent orders. I knew now that I wanted this dance to be over, this isn’t fun anymore. I tried to pull away again only to find that I could not budge from her embrace. I began to struggle. And I as I struggled I noticed two things. She had somewhere lost her beautiful voice, and her grip had become decidedly unromantic. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but emptiness; it felt as though she was trying to fill that void with me. I fought even harder to break her grip. I felt white-hot pain across my back, pain shot thru my hand. Those definitely weren’t fingernails I was feeling. I looked at her again only to realize ‘she’ was gone. Soft curves and supple lips had been replaced by scaled flesh and jagged teeth. I made one last effort to free myself from her, I mean “it’s” deadly embrace. And as I looked down towards her chest, which had been pressed to mine for so long, I saw that parts of me were connected to her/it. The pain was unbelievable, my screams mingled with her alternately soft and then harsh pleas for me to remain. But remaining was not an option, I felt claws penetrating deep within my vitals seeking to crucify whatever will or Spirit in me that sought to free me from her soul-freezing clutch. I cried out, begging to be set free, she laughed and deep within my chest I could feel the claws trying to seize my wildly beating heart. And I knew that I was powerless to stop her, I had given in to her so many times before, how could I resist her now? I awaited my death. What had started out as a simple acquaintance was now a hostile takeover, with my life hanging in the balance.

My strength was gone; I was finished. Would someone please help me?

It seemed my plaintive pleas had been heard, for in that instant the cloying air was suddenly cut by something stronger, purer. He also was an aquaintence from my middle school years. I had spent far less time with him than she had garnered. And yet in my darkest moment, He was there. In a flash that was not so much visible as was palpable, He cut in. The dance was over.

As I lay there, surveying the damage. I could feel the holes in my back, I could see vital organs exposed and damaged. I knew I was a mess. He came back, from where I don’t know, but she was gone. I looked into my Friends eyes expecting to see pity, even anger. Pity because of how awful I must have looked. Anger, because this was entirely my fault, I was the one who asked her if she wanted to dance. But there He was, with a look so full of understanding on his face that I could've swore He'd been asked to dance with her too. How is that possible, He was the only one who ever got her to leave me alone, even for a little while. Then it occurred to me, I don’t even know her name…how will I ever deny her invitations for another dance if I don’t even know her name?

“Her name is Lust.”

I wrote this story a few years ago (feb 2002) in a more lucid moment, it really describes what I feel. But the story seeme to have a much happier ending than I think I currently am experiencing. There is work to be done, unfortunately I have gone back to dance with her way too many times since then. And its more like all pretense of 'dancing' is gone, this relationship has only one purpose and we come together for that and that alone....and after each time I'm left spent, alone, and un-fulfilled...craving the next time we meet, hoping that it will be the one time that satisifies. Only she will never be satisfied until I'm dead, who knows maybe I won't be satisfied until then either. (not that I want to be dead....I just dont' have alot of hope at this moment)

Off the Reservation

"Off the Reservation" - a term used in government circles to describe an agent gone wild, an informant who has gone back into hiding, or basically someone who has slipped the mechanisms of control or oversight.

Well, at this point its pretty obvious the I have been 'off the reservation' this past week. I really slipped back into my old habits of porn and masturbation. Actually to say 'old habits' is sorta a mis-nomer...they have to actually have cooled off or otherwise been un-used for a period of time to be called 'old-habits', so its better to say I went back to my normal routine of masturbation and porn.

Of course its not all that fulfilling, and even tho I pay for access to a sight with hundreds of videos to sort thru...I find myself spending a couple hours trying to find just the right one, the one that I think will make the biggest splash for me. And all the while there are people standing just an arms reach from me that I could talk to, hang out with, make connections...instead I isolate and self-medicate. Pretty good self-observation and correlation, huh? Lotta good it's doing for me. I have to try and not be down on myself, that really doesn't help anything.

I have so many little chores that need to get done at home. I just avoid them. The dishes pile up, the laundry sits on the floor....oh yah and the mold in my room, I haven't called the landlord yet. I have 90 percent of what I need to have moved out of the way, but I need to finish that up and have the rest of the house in some order so I don't look like as much of a slob as I seem to live like when no one is looking.

So, the gates to the Reservation are open....I just need to step back on the ride side of the fence.

My Brain on Jimmie Johns

My Brain is fast.

How fast?

Lightening fast!

Really fast?

Oh yah, super duper fast!!!

Fast to do Good?

Uh....no...not fast for that.

16 There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19 a false witness who pours out lies and
a man who stirs up
dissension among brothers.
Prov 6:16-19

Yah, sorta convicting for me, I was sitting here, bored, at work. And a little turn of an IM conversation sparked a complete foray into the netherworld of fantasy for me. Oh it was just a short trip, it never seems to take long to get there....but the commute home is a bear!

I need to not be so quick to give in to sin and my sinfull desires.

Today was not a sober day.

On Waffle-ing

waffle: " pause or hold back in uncertainty or unwillingness"

I seem to do this at a nearly professional level. I seem to think I want to be healed and free'd from constant acting out in this area. But even on the 'good' days, I still flirt with lust. I have tons of scenarios in my head that play out on the Big Screen of my Head over and over again. It's like giving an 8 year old 3 cans of Mt. Dew, and then telling him to lie down and goto sleep. It just doesn't work so well.

So the key is to not get all hopped up on lustful thoughts and I would have less of problem dealing with some of the physicalness of the temptation. But I also need to be reading, studying, praying more in order to begin to smooth over the ruts that I've allowed to form in my mind.

The other thing I realize is that I objectify people when I do lust. They are the marionettes of my mind, and the sad thing is, it's not usually about what I imagine myself doing, its not my conquests that I seem to desire...I simply observe the conquest of others. This could have roots in low self-esteem (thinking I don't deserve to be the one "in" the action) or it could be from years of looking at porn, in which you are always a 3rd party observer.

All that stuff is focused on me and my problem. But I have been confronted by a couple solid opportunities this week, specific people that I need to meet with. One is a lonely neighbor, and the other is a young new father. I don't know what I have to offer either of them, but it seems that I've gotten some pretty clear calling to at least be in their life and chat with them. I don't need to know the reasons, I just need to go where I'm asked.

So I struggle, I struggle to do what is right, I struggle to not wallow in self-pity, and I struggle with how to be involved and encouraging in other peoples lives when mine is so obviously messed up.


Days = 2

Mold

Well there was a revolting development last night. I discovered a sizable patch of mold on my bedroom wall where my bed is near the wall. I had a sleeping pad (foam) between my bed and the wall, it seemed like a good storage spot (and it appears to have protected my bed and such from visible mold. But apparently the exterior wall was condensating or somehow is wet.

But either way I have big, hairy mold on my wall. I also have sleeping pad that may have mold damage, and my down sleeping bag got some mold on it. This is not good. More so, I still have bunch of boxes in my room that I need to move so that I can call the landlord and have him look at it. So I need to move all this stuff down to the storage locker (I hope its dry down there!) And then wash all this stuff, and see what they are gonna do to the wall. Ugh.

I have a really busy schedule this week, and I don't know how I am going to fit moving all the stuff out of my room so the landlord can deal with this. But I guess that is just life. I need to figure it out.

Sober Days = 1 (I'm gonna see how this works, the days that I give in to lust, those are "not sober" days, but a 'day 1 ' is the following day and counting up from there.)

Sobriety

Sobriety. Drunks get sober, drug users get "clean", and struggling christians? What do we get? Hopefully...victorious. But until then, I need to be practice sobriety. It sounds weird but basically lust is like a drug for me, I use it in all the same ways that drunks use alcohol. So in order to stop using, I need to measure my sobriety. Do I really wanna walk around with a number on my chest (my scarlet number) for how many days I have been sober? The alternative is no better, don't count the sins, don't count the days...grace is cheap...we are all winners here...God loves you.

Oh I don't doubt that God loves me...in fact He loves me too much to leave me in the condition that He finds me in. In church Sunday, I basically ignored the sermon and I just read most of 1st and 2nd Peter. I wrote down alot of the verses...I know they were already in my Bible, I need to write so that I slow down enough to actually READ the verse. There are several in there that I need to start memorizing. But here is one that really stood out to me.

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through
our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through
these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through
them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in
the world caused by evil desires.
2 Peter 1:3-4 (New International Version)

I have had some great conversations this weekend, I am really thankful for my friends and christian brothers who demonstrate their love for Christ in how they treat others. So its not a milestone, not yet anyway, but I am 3 days sober. By the grace of God tomorrow will be one more. But there are so many times when I just don't wanna stay sober, apparently I still think I can dabble in this area and the cost isn't too high. What will it take? What more do I need to lose, how many lonely nights do I need to spend on it before I realize it worthless?

A whole week went by?

I just realized today that my Bible is sitting in the same place on the kitchen table where I laid it last week when I came home from Pure Life. That's not good. I'm looking forward to the meeting tonight, kinda hanging my hat on the hope that there are some answers to be had there, or some solid encouragement from other brothers who really understand what it is to be gripped by this.

I still have wash to do that I said I was gonna do last week, I have been so lazy. Right now I mostly watch TV, play WoW, and climb. It's not much of a life. I do talk to my friends, but I really don't sit down and chill. It seems like the only conversations I have are either about the "struggle" or they are basically secular in nature. I need a deeper connection to the Body, I'm hoping that Pure Life will provide an avenue for that. But I have to be willing to embrace it, set aside the personal insecurities, and just do it.

Secondarily, my gym membership is feeling very lonely. I have not used it since before Christmas. I really need to get back on that horse. Its good for me in so many ways. Improve self-esteem due to improved body-image, better energy, better sleep....and maybe I'll be too tired to wanna let my mind wander in other areas. But even the endorphin substitution provided by exercise could help wean me off the other stuff.

Busy Day

It's been prety busy at work, so I don't really have time to write much now. But I am noticing how being "busy" adversly affects my ability to focus spiritual and emotional energy into this idea of healing and resolving the issues that are in front me.

But I think part of it is laziness, maybe a little bit of fear (fear in the sense of "Who/what will I be, if I don't have this thing that has been part of my life for 20 years). But in the end, the result is the same...I'm still sitting here in about the same place I was last week.

I am really thankfull for the friends that God has put in my life, I have had some great conversations over the past week that I really enjoy, but more so I see God working thru that to encourage me (and I hope encourage them too).

Reality 101

Well, on Friday I was all excited about the prospects of successfully dealing with this 'problem' that I have by pursuing a deeper relationship with God. The reality sets in, you mean I have to work at this? I am so into quick-fixes, as evidenced by my choice of 'stress relief', I have been practicing saying "yes" to myself for so long that when it comes down to actually saying "no" I just skirt the issue. I sit down and wait for myself to give in. Which is exactly what I did this weekend.

I apparently want, above all else, to feel no pain. I run from internal, emotional pain like it was the plague. The problem is the plague CAN kill you, emotional pain (while significant) generally doesn't. It's just the dangerous or destructive coping mechanisms that can hurt you. So I need to understand somewhere deep down in my heart that its okay to hurt, that God has a plan for dealing with whatever I'm feeling. I know that to be true, or at least I keep telling myself that I believe it, but my actions seem to indicate another belief system at work.

Sometimes I really struggle with all this self-reflection and the fact that I am unable to make any significant progress in this area. But more so, I struggle with the fact that I have not experienced the kind of serious loss and pain in life that others have. I made this predicament thru choices of my own.

So I guess the question in life is, "Is it possible for a man to dig a hole so deep that he can't get himself out of it?" The answer is yes. But God apparently knew that and he runs a great side business called the Grace and Forgiveness Excavation and Extraction Company, Jesus Christ CEO.

I think I need to give them a call.

Lying to God

I went to Pure Life last night. Very interestingly mixed group. A former member of the group came and spoke, actually he more lambasted, confronted, and basically scolded the group. But he did it in love (really he did). His real point was that he didn't have a 'porn' problem as much as he had a relationship problem with God. So he couldn't do anything to fix the porn problem, so instead he focused on the realtionship problem. He "sought hard after" God and a meaningfull, daily realtionship with him. Even at the cost of all else.

The group wasn't what I expected, it wasn't what I think I wanted (in my pre-conceived notions), but it is what I got. So I have to beleive that God can use that in my life.

I was thinking this morning about how I lie to God. Ed talked about this at Pure Life. I say, "God, I really love you and I wanna serve You more." Lies. What I really mean is, "God please make my life easy, and allow me to do the things I want to do, and I'll continue to call myself a Christian so you get some credit for it." Ugh. That's not the bargain that the Creator of the Universe had in mind when he sent his only son to die a humiliating, painful death on the cross to pay for my traitorous behaviour (traitorous behaviour is a Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe reference). I've said things like, "God, I'll do anything to be free from this..." lie. I meant, I want to sit here on the couch and have someone else do the heavy lifting for me. "God, I only want to serve You." Lie. I want to get back in the spotlight of ministry, where I could try to convince myself that the "good" I was doing would somehow offset the "bad" that happened elsewhere.

Another thought that occured to me this morning was where God said to Peter, "Do you love me?, then feed my sheep." Hmm, I say I love God, but I may have missed the 'feed my sheep' part. I seem to have gotten the words mixed up, cause I find myself, lusting over his sheep, making coarse jokes with his sheep, peeking under the sheeps wool...but feeding them? I don't think so. I say that I love God, and that may still be true, but I'm not in love with Him. I'm in love with myself and I will use anything, or any sheep (not REAL sheep) to satisfy my perceived needs.

Ed asked, "Are you pursuing a relationship with God with all your heart, mind, and soul?" "Are you really struggling with porn? Don't tell me that you are struggling unless you are up till 2 am reading, praying, and talking REALLY talking to God about life, and being honest with him. No more bullshit." "If you not struggling to get deeper into realtionship with God, than you haven't even begun to struggle against porn (or whatever it is you do)"

Another question that came up was, "How do you handle pain?" I guess those questions are gonna take alot longer to answer, and maybe I shouldn't be so quick to speak...I'd probably be lying anyway.

Crazy Day

So tonight I'm supposed to go to a bible study called Pure Life, it's basically meant for men struggling with sexual issues. I want to go, but I don't want to go. So many perverse thoughts just keep running thru my head. Which is obviously at odds with what the purpose of going to the meeting is.

I was thinking on my way into work this morning. Sexual Addiction is like a runaway nuclear reaction. And me trying to stop the lust, and masturbation without dealing with the core issues that drive to it...is alot like trying to stop the nuclear meltdown with blankets and water. You need the Control Rods to be inserted into the Core. The radiation is a side-effect of the reaction, trying to contain the radiation and not stop the reaction is futile.

I am scared about walking into a room full of strangers, and one of my best defense mechanisms is to talk, I tell stories....I'm good at it. Stories about climbing, camping, the people I've taken places. And in that settign, they are a double defense...I have something to say and I'm trying to prove to you that I haev a life, I'm normal...sorta. So I know that I need to strike a balance, I need to talk enough to be known, but not so much as to fail to hear anyone elses story. I need a place to go every week where they know my name and my stuggle...I need a place where I don't have to hide. I really pray that this can become that place.

Discovery, Disclosure, Distaste

Ugh. This whole idea of first having to grasp the height, breadth, and depth of the issue that you're grappeling with....and then share that sordid mess with others. Ugh.

But ultimately, in that sharing you understand acceptance, you see you are not completely alone in this, you learn that you are not unique in some horrible way...you are human. And this is the condition you find yourself in, it is what it is.

Not that I want to stay that way! But I really do think I enjoy those moments of escape-ism, where you just live in the fantasy. In the fantasy, I'm not 30-something, I'm under 200 pounds, and all the people are beautiful people. It seems so hard to correlate how I'm using that fantasy to control and release the tensions and stress from daily life, and even more-so make up for something I feel that I'm missing. But what is it? Is it something that I was missing years ago, but have since outgrown my need for? I've known love, acceptance, joy, freedom, forgiviness....what is it that I think I don't have? Or is it that this is how I learned to cope when I was missing one of those things, and now its just such an ingrained part of my identity that I don't know how to let go of it. It's like the cast iron pan on the stove, you grabbed the handle when it was cold and as it heated up you just didn't let go....now it' so hot that you know its hurting you, but you've held on for so long you can't make yourself let go.

I know that growing up as a Christian made me say that I wasn't supposed to "have" sex until I am married. And I still beleive that, but I've developed a concurrent beleif that apparently allows me to think its 'okay' to indulge this fantasy life and operate the sexual machinery, as long as I'm alone...its not really sex, is it? So that makes it doubly pitiful...in a world of sex when and where you want it, I hide myself in my house and gorge myself on fantasy. And the World says "dude, its ok...but you need a girlfriend!" But a girlfriend is actually a really scary prospect, I've been performing for so long on a stage for one...the idea of involving a woman in the process, yah I don't know. But I do that would not resolve this issue, it would just become another sexual outlet for me to burn out on.

Paul in Romans talks about wanting to do the right thing, but that he finds the members of his body doing the very things he said he doesn't want to do. Thank you, Paul for being honest.

Lord give me the strength to take hold of the grace that only you can provide.

Scared to say it's true

I have known this for awhile but its really hard to admit it to other people, but I'm pretty sure I struggle with a sexual addiction. This is more than just temptation, this is a coping mechanism that I have adopted to mask deeper issues, and my habits match the addictive cycle pretty closely. Unfortunatley this means this is not something I can effectively deal with on my own, but yet one of the very common traits to a sexual addiction is the isolation that the shame and paranoia forces you into. I need to be diligent to know what voices to listen to when I feel like I just wanna be alone.

I am going to a meeting this Thursday at church called Pure Life. Its basically a support group for people involved in this sort struggle. I am really scared to go...its hard enough to admit this sort of thing over email, but to have show up physically in a room where people might recognize me and ask why I'm there.

Its funny how God chooses to make himself known, this last week I put the Relient K CD back in my player. Its a CD that I've listened to before, but a song that I normally skip really stuck out at me.

"and you said I know that this will hurt

but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse

If the burden seems too much to bear

Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"

It is so amazingly true of where I find myself, but it offers some hope of a day when I can look back and understand that the end really justifies the pain it took to get us there. I seldom feel like I have teh energy to fight this anymore...but I understand the alternative just sucks. I don't wanna go there, I want a real life back! And the only path that leads there is in a relationship with Christ.

I picked up a book called Out of the Shadows, so far what I've read has been pretty good.

There's always a first one..

I'm not sure where this blog is supposed to go. I guess part of it is that I want people I know to read it and know what I'm thinking, struggling with, and going thru. But on the other hand, I don't want people to know those things because they are painful and emabarrassing.

So how do I decide what to write? I guess we'll just have to see.